22/05/2012 05:15 BST | Updated 20/07/2012 06:12 BST

The End of Everything as We Know It

With exactly seven months to go until the end of the world, I have got to thinking as to how it might manifest itself (I would've written this blog next month, when it was a round half year to go - but I'll be on a beach then, reading a book, with an umbrella-y drink in my hand, and thinking not a jot about universal destruction).

The whole subject came to me by way of an overheard conversation, when taking the tube from London Bridge to Camden. There I was, happily lost to my reality of pushy suits, snot-nosed bawling kids, and that bloke who just has to sit with his gangly legs thrust out across the tube floor, when my ears were pricked to a discussion on what will happen when the big day comes - December 21st to those of you who've been living in a box, or maybe just don't care. Any road up, in the course of the conversation, the two 'experts' talked at terrifying length about how the poles are going to flip, 'them plate-things' are going to float apart, and we'll all end up living where Australia is, but not the same because the ground 'will be made of lava n' stuff'.

That's quite scary, don't you think?

You see, being one of those people who 'just didn't care' - what scared me most was how many out there actually believe that somewhere - probably around lunchtime - maybe as late a teatime, if the universe is running behind time (perhaps it got the tube from London Bridge to Camden) - there we'll be, doing nothing more than trying to scratch our arses in public without other people knowing, and BAM ... end of everything as we know it. And it must be true, because the Mayans said so ... and, as everyone knows, they're the historical equivalent of the bloke down the pub, or the front page of the tabloid press - gospel even. Any civilisation that would stick you on a pyramid and hack your heart out to appease the gods of the mountain must be taken seriously.

Now, I would be falling down in my duty as a blogger if I didn't give you all the heads up, so here are just some of the nasty ways the dirty deed might materialise:

Asteroid impact - a really big rock will fall out of the sky. I like this one, because Morgan Freeman is the President of America, and he's just cool. Sorry Barak.

Cooked by the Sun - not good, and just the odd few billion years too soon.

Alien attack - my favourite, and I think they're already here ... they're orange, with big white teeth. I've seen The Only Way Is Essex.

Global epidemic - not one to be taken lightly, and quite possible to happen. It has before - but sure, we have one of those every year, so what's the biggie.

Yellowstone super volcano eruption - and there was me going to take a well earned Christmas break there.

There are many other and diverse ways the universe will end, but most 'experts' are certain of one thing, and that is when. Four days before Christmas (three if you're Scandinavian) that'll be it - all gone - no need to buy any presents, you can leave the tree in the attic - I bet granny will still knit that jumper though. The end of the world tends to get chilly, what with it being winter n' all.

For me, I think it'll be the aliens ... not the end of the world, just a change of management. Amy Childs will be the next Prime-minister. The bloke with all those teeth will be Chancellor. Orange paint will be bargain by the bucket, and it'll be an offence to say anything that hasn't been abbreviated ... such as OMG, or TOWIE, or HML.

In the rest of the world, all sorts of mayhem will reign, as our cousins across the waves come to terms with compulsory botox, hair extensions, and vajazzles ... quite an ordeal if you're a seventy-seven ... and, in the U.S.A., George Bush Junior will be elected President ... oops, already done.

My movie of the month:

Stakeland - another movie where the vampires are scary, and will kill you dead, and are thankfully devoid of melodramatic teenage identity issues (honestly I do watch other stuff too). If you're an aficionado of The Walking Dead, and 28 Days Later, even The Road - this will be right up your Strasse.

My album of the month:

A&E - Graham Coxon. I had the good fortune to see him perform live a few weeks ago, and A&E is ... well, it's brilliant. With Coxon's usual trademark thumping punky stuff, but this time artfully mingled with synth melodies, and even jazzy stuff by god. All I can say is get it. Like Noel Gallagher, I expect he will wow us all in the years to come.

My book of the month:

Rivers of London - Ben Aaronovich. Sorry, yet another urban fantasy, that conjures up the deep, dank, dirty smells of the city. If you like your novels dark, but fun - and especially Londony - give Rivers of London a look-at.

Martin Treanor

Author:The Silver Mist

More information about the Martin and his novels can be found on his website:

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