So, you've got that big interview next week. It's pretty important as you can't really handle another day working at your cousin's meat-packing factory. The smell really starts to seep in after a while.
But how do you stand out from the crowd and get the job rather than having your CV discarded amongst the others like tissues under a teenager's bed? Here are some top tips:
1. Never turn up on time. Either get there an hour before or an hour after; that way they'll either think you're super-conscientious or a busy and important person. You'll carry through that confidence to the rest of the interview.
2. Make sure you disagree with something the interviewer says. It shows you can think for yourself.
"Would you like a tea or coffee?"
"Shut your filthy mouth."
3. Fart loudly and relentlessly. Employers love someone with a sense of humour.
4. If the interviewer asks whether you have questions for them, make sure to ask something that shows how deep you are like: "have you ever been in love?"
5. Get your friend to ring you during the interview and pretend it's a massive job offer from a rival firm. "100K? Thanks for your offer but I've got consider all my options first.... Yes, yes I know being governor of the Bank of England is a good position, and thanks for the offer, but I'm currently in an interview for a similar position with PC World."
6. 90% of communication is non-verbal. Make sure you use those other senses to the fullest. Power stance at all times and be sure to give some of your answers through the medium of interpretive dance.
7. If all else fails, this technique will stand you in good stead: