21/12/2012 06:57 GMT | Updated 19/02/2013 05:12 GMT

How Christians Stole Christmas and How We Can Win it Back

Turning entirely normal people into mindless, zombie-esque happy creatures, the mystical Christmas spirit annually forces its way into our homes and hearts and helps us through the gloomy winter months. And then disaster strikes. Tearing us back down to earth from our inexplicable Christmas high, in a way crowded shopping malls or the rapidly depleting bank account could not bring about, is the insistence of religion to try and remind everyone what it all is about.

By strenuously emphasising the 'Christ' in Christmas, we are instructed to delve into the real meaning of the said date until their thirst for gospel is exhausted. In the spirit of participation, my reflection on the true meaning of Christmas has brought about my conviction to spread an alternative message, one that explains the true source of Christmas and how it was plagiarised by the Church.

Taking the Bible as literal truth will inevitably lead you to assume Christianity cannot be derived from other religions that were rife in the region by the time the Nazarene was supposed to have been born. You are wrong. To prove the fallibility of celebrating the birth of the Son of God, I have launched my very own campaign of reversely terming the holiday "Mithrasmas", after the Persian God of Mithras, in an attempt to push back those relentless enough to continue insisting on the uniqueness of Christianity and the sacrosanct celebration of Christmas.

The petition to introduce such a change is prone to conjure selective deafness on behalf of many, unless you ironically believe in the Christian God. Known as 'the Way, the Truth, the Life, the Word and the Messiah', Mithras was purportedly born by a virgin on the 25th December. Followed by twelve disciples, the mediator between heaven and earth walked throughout the lands and performed miracles, practised exorcism and eventually sacrificed himself for world peace. Posthumously, the 'Son of God' ascended to heaven after being resurrected three days later from the tomb he was placed in and joined the club of omniscient deities that hears, sees and knows everything you do, including what you think. Identified with both the Lion and the Lamb, Mithras was baptised in a river and preached about the final judgement and the immortality of the soul.

Unfortunately for those hoping to have found a faith that can be praised as peaceful and loving, the Persian God also warned of the punishment of eternal hell that awaits anyone who dares not believe in him.

Amongst those solely paying homage to the tradition of Christmas need not fear about crass changes to the nativity scene. Mithras was conveniently wrapped in a bundle of clothes, placed in a manger and visited upon by shepherds.

Mithrasmas would unequivocally become an almost perfect mirror image of Christmas with the exception being that the actual, but probably not initial, source will be celebrated instead. Dwell therefore on the aforementioned and consider signing the petition once Easter comes round when I remind you how Christianity stole the celebration of Mithras's resurrection and replaced it with their very own version.

On second thoughts, before long, ardent followers of the new holiday would start berating people for consigning Mithras to the annals of forgotten history. As a matter of fact, the real issue at hand is the insistence of forcing a supernatural explanation down your throat. Perhaps by emphasising the crumpling foundation upon which Christianity stands, we can all start celebrating Christmas in the way it should be - by drinking, eating and spending time with your loved ones. Until that day, I wish you all a merry Mithrasmas!