12/06/2016 17:39 BST | Updated 13/06/2017 06:12 BST

'Big Brother 2016 - Week One Review

Channel 5

Two years on from my Big Brother anniversary, I tell myself how fast time has flown since I walked in to the freak show/circus/asylum of crazies, aka the Big Brother house. After putting myself through such torment once before, I now get to see a whole new line-up of silly volunteers make a deal with the devil, by showcasing their lives for public entertainment over the next ten weeks.

After reading about how the show would be significantly revamped this time around, it really does seem like no regular series of BB. The show has now evolved to something very different from what it once was years ago. With MTV as Channel 5's new sister, clearly there's been a lot of brushing off going down within the Viacom family. I must confess that Ex on the Beach is another reality TV guilty pleasure of mine, but did I expect Big Brother to demote itself to Ex in Elstree so soon? No!

Whilst the show has developed, so has the cast. Gone are the days where regular people from the marginalised walks of life enter the Elstree compound, as now Big Brother needs "somebodies" and established personalities that are used to performing on camera already. I completely get that in recent years, housemates have under-delivered by not showing anything reminiscent of their VT's, but isn't the principle of Big Brother to bring 'ordinary' civilians into the house?

Lateysha Grace is more famous than Jeremy McConnell, who entered this year's CBB only six months ago. Both of them have appeared on MTV reality shows in the past few years, however unlike Jeremy's whose flopped, leaving him unknown in the "celebrity" world, Lateysha was the star of Geordie Shore's baby sister "The Valleys". Only recently I watched her on "Celebrity Botched up Bodies", so the line really is a fine one.

I'm actually in favour of established personalities as cast members. This means, the producers can guarantee an entertaining series based on the fact these housemates will not let viewers down. All I can say is that I'm glad I had not auditioned for this series (along with the very few housemates who actually did), since I wouldn't have to be up against Vicky Pattison's "best friend" whose army of fans will campaign for throughout and most probably secure the win for in the end.

Georgina, the private schooled girl from Kent who acted like a spoiled moaning brat in E4's Taking New York, was an instant favourite of mine purely because she falls into the same (posh) category as I did.

I loved Evelyn as I thought she was one of the only fresh characters on launch night. She reminded me of Kimberly Kisselovich from my series as both of them had a sassy, sexy but smart, independent female stance. Disappointingly, Evelyn hasn't done anything just yet. Let's hope unlike Kimberly she actually opens her mouth before legs.

I thought the twins were funny to begin with until I watched one of them hysterically cry about the lack of nature in the Big Brother house. Thinking this was a false gimmick to give her an edge, she ended up walking by day four which I'm actually quite relieved about now, since watching just one of those irritants became annoying enough by the second show.

None of the boys have stood out for any good reason. Chelsea caught my attention for looking like a forty year old Dexter Koh with a terrible toupee, whilst Sam repulsed me by declaring that when people meet him they claim he's the best looking guy they've ever seen... and that even straight men come on to him. I know plenty of gay men that wouldn't go near him with a pair of marigolds and a mouth mask. He looks like the oldest and dirtiest twenty-three year old I've ever seen, whilst his beard looks like a nest that homes insects us humans were led to believe were extinct.

Jackson seems quite genuine, although in the week he has been in the house I do not know what he has done just yet to make him as adored by the public as he seems to be. Alex, Vicky Pattison's alleged "best friend" (although I'm certain he was actually cast to play that role in her MTV spin off show Judge Geordie) is this year's style but no substance male cast. He'll undoubtedly coast his way to the final for doing nothing bar walking around topless day in, day out.

I like all the original "Others" currently. Being far more reminiscent of old school Big Brother housemates, they all seem to have multiple layers to their personalities, even the UK's biggest fame whore Ryan Ruckledge. Andrew was the perfect villain cast for this year's theme, whilst "ticking timebomb" Dominatrix Natalie equally terrifies, but intrigues me. I like Hughie's quirk and find Jayne one of the most honest and warming. At first, I was angry at Big Brother for glorifying Ryan's desperation to be on mainstream TV, but I've let go of this annoyance as he's already made me laugh on plenty of occasions.

Saving the best until last, or should I say worst: I hate Laura! I do not detest her because she is a wholly undignified, immoral, gold digging slapper, but more for the fact her entire persona is fake. Her cunning and seductive Jezebel performance is transparent and flawed as although it's made storylines already, the female audience that watch Big Brother will reject her game rather than feel empowered through it. Why she is doing this, I do not know. All I do know is that her personality type lends itself to perfect first evictee material. This is if and when the producers do decide to host an eviction and let the public have any control over the show, which I feel may take a while.