21/06/2016 10:50 BST | Updated 21/06/2017 06:12 BST

Big Brother 2016 - Week Two Review

On Friday, Big Brother history was made as the curse of all female first evictees was officially broken. Some say that the first evictee rarely gets a chance to show enough of themselves so early in the game but Marco managed to show more than enough and already make it in to the BB f*ck club in his short ten day residence.

Like most first evictees, Marco, the uncontrollable wild child of Marco Pierre White was a key character during the first week. Despite being one of the most vulgar, unruly and infuriating housemates of all time, we've already lost one of the biggest characters this series.

I would have much prefer Emma to leave, the exasperating twin who hides her inner ugliness behind her green peace, nature loving prolific persona that she poses with day-to-day. Her treatment of Georgina has been uncomfortable and for some unknown reason. She is clearly jealous and holding an underlying issue towards her. I can only imagine it's something to do with the fact Georgina is attractive, articulate, smart and dignified, whereas Emma is quite ugly, irritating and vapid in contrast. Girls are usually evicted first because they are more impressionable on one another from the get go and the predominantly female audience, don't take well to cattiness. Why we couldn't see her leave instead is another issue I've had to come to terms with, but more importantly I'm glad we didn't see Andy leave just yet.

Andy is evidentially levels above the rest of his housemates in terms of intellect and sense, but is he forgetting he's in the Big Brother house? It is Britain's most attractable home to vacuous fame-whores across the nation, desperate to get their moment on prime-time television. If he wanted to be challenged, he should have applied for mastermind! I value any housemate with substance over any Channel 5 cliché cast; however I've already changed my opinion of Andy. His opinions are entirely inflexible and he's incredibly self righteous about them. He knows how to manipulate anyone and is incapable of turning off the journalist behavioural traits within him.

With the majority of housemates being young and superficial, Andy was never one that the rest of them would define as "cool" (by their own standards), however he is disguising his insecurity of this with pseudo alpha behavioural traits and making it look as if he thinks he is above the rest of the youngsters. He needs to exhibit more humility and stop combating their rejection of him with a pretentious mechanism otherwise I sense he will be evicted soon.

Another housemate I'm already eager to see evicted is Laura, who managed to manipulate her housemates into feeling sympathetic towards her after throwing herself under the bus, or more literally speaking - Marco. Whilst Laura has attempted to redeem herself in the diary room, by repenting on her behaviour with a very forced soft-spoken voice, I hope she learns to not drop her knickers as quickly next time she meets a boy who uses her for one thing. Something about her behaviour already reminds me of Stephanie Davies, one of the most un-liked housemates to ever enter the house. Laura is unemotionally intelligent and lacks the kind of strength in character than any self proclaimed slags on television (Geordie Shore) carry off. Without her desired USB of a seductive, man-eating fatale, she is just a rather ordinary and bland girl, who ought to resign from appearing on reality TV shows and find an old, rich husband who is not quite all the ticket enough to sign a prenup, and will eventually drop dead upon her - immediately after her gets on top of him, first time round.

Now, Big Brother sure has its hall of fame for prized idiots. Nearly topping them all is Chelsea gangster. Like so many successful business men, this idiot has been around far too many underpaid employees that lick his arse and tell him it tastes good on a daily basis. Something tells me Chelsea may have watched the Godfather a few too many times, as his efforts to pull off the chief hard nut are more than embarrassing. How Natalie and Chelsea both live in Chelsea yet are the two biggest 'chavs' in Big Brother truly baffles me.

In every series of Big Brother there is always one jumped-up deluded fool who believes he'll make a Big Brother legend and be recognised as TV gold. I had the wonderful privilege of being forced to stand good old Steven Goode, but this year's line-up may very well be left with an even bigger twit.

Whilst 'the others' have proved themselves as more interesting TV viewing, I'm hoping they will gain power of the house when both groups merge. Full of controversial characters at each other's throats, Big Brother will want to capitalise on nasty Natalie, gold digging slapper Jane and Hughie and Ryan's slightly chalk and cheese pairing/showmance, before putting any of these housemates at risk. In the meantime, I'm stuck wondering when the deadwood (AKA actual first choice housemates) will begin to do anything.