by Carol Martin-Sperry
Over 25 years' experience as a couples and sex therapist the most common sexual problem that comes up in my practice is loss of desire. Many young people in marriages or committed relationships are not having sex.
For a pleasure-giving activity that is free and can take less than an hour the excuses sound flimsy. "Too busy" "too tired" "no time" "too much to do" "the baby" "the kids" "work" "stress" "I have to go to the supermarket, the gym, the school run, my parents". This is real life, but why no sex?
People have unrealistic expectations about being in love, true romance and the passionate honeymoon phase. After a while this intense and exciting time has to transform into something a little calmer, from "in love" to "loving". You cannot maintain the pace year after year. You have to be able to cope with the mundane and ordinary matters of everyday life, which is not very sexy.
This is often a flashpoint in a couple's relationship. Some do not make the transition and have a fling or an affair or become serial monogamists because they want the thrill of hot sex again. Others just feel confused and disappointed and give up on sex.
There is no doubt that anxiety and stress are the enemies of good sex, but so are anger and resentment. You won't want to make love with your partner if you are really mad at him or her. The only way to resolve this is to talk to each other. It sounds simple but people are generally afraid of conflict and confrontation and will avoid meaningful discussions about their relationship because it is just too threatening.
Another common problem is how to get started again. You can't expect to go from 0 to 100 mph in just a few minutes. You have to give it time, you need to rebuild trust and intimacy, that's the real foreplay for good sex.
One sure thing I believe in from all the evidence is that men and women are different. In the quest for equality this difference is not always valued or even acknowledged. They become neutred flatmates. Not sexy, not sexy at all. Society has moved on but let's not forget our evolutionary drives and instincts.
Carol Martin-Sperry is author of Good Sex, Bad Sex, No Sex: A Guide for Grown-Ups published by Endeavour Press.