26/02/2013 11:12 GMT | Updated 28/04/2013 06:12 BST

My Oscar Shortcomings

As a "writer" and self-professed film lover I had never actually watched an Academy Awards ceremony - or that many Academy Award nominated films. The horrible truth of it all is that I'm very much at home with crap films - I ENJOY them. I've watched The First Wives Club more times than your average 24 year old male actually should. But this year, with my trusty Cineworld card, I decided to not only watch all of the Oscar nominated films - but to stay up past my bedtime and watch the OSCARS. Last minute I realised I couldn't do this as I don't have Sky Oscars (FU Sky) but I'll discuss the elements I think cost some Oscar nominated films getting their Golden Statue of Awesomeness.

Amour - the logline of which should read "Euthanasia and strokes - a bitter sweet love story". Whilst at Cannes last year I didn't get to go watch it. Or anything. Relegated to drinking whiskey with French chavs on a beach I decided to watch it at home in Blighty. It was predictable in the sense that old people die. It was going to happen! If they'd sold their house and trekked round Europe selling homemade wine and rediscovering their past youth I'd have been shocked. It's no wonder it won best foreign film. It had the highest pretentious factor.

Les Miserables - Okay - it won 3 Oscars, but not best motion picture! And do you know why? RUSSELL CROWE. Javert is an incredible antagonist who's righteousness makes hi m terrifying. Russell Crowe on the other hand made him look like a deaf trapeze artist. He sucked any potential this film had of winning best motion picture!

Beasts of the Southern Wild - I fell asleep during this. Maybe because I'd watched Perks of Being a Wallflower before, but I put it down to its monotonous "bad things are happening" elsewhere in the world feel. The thing that made it bitter for me was the idea that the filmmaker (Benh Zeitlin) gets to walk away from the story of someone's life they've ripped off for artistic licence. Another film to emotionally move the middle classes before they get back to crosswords and getting the kids ready for school.

Flight - The only offensive thing about this film was PIERS MORGAN. Not only did he ruin a chunk for me as his slug face appeared on screen, pulling me out of a fantastic story - BUT THEY SHOWED HIM TWICE! When will America learn that Piers Morgan is NOT TO BE USED in a story telling capacity? If you're going to use Piers Morgan, do it like Charlie Brooker did in A Touch of Cloth, where his image causes people to throw up instead of the brutal crime scene where they find a picture of his smug face.

Lincoln - being British I found the American cheese in this film to be a tad overbearing. Also - what I wanted to see: meanwhile in England, 100 YEARS AGO, "let's abolish slavery" "agreed!" Hear hear". Good on Day-Lewis for flying the British flag in an American film, by Americans, for Americans... American.

Unfortunately I'll still have the bile taste in my mouth that Piers Morgan has acted in an Oscar nominated film. Maybe I'll wash it out with something like Bring It On.