Tis the season to be jolly fa la la la laaa la la la laaaa.
"That'll be £14 quid for the two of ya love, enjoy the ride!" I'm not sure I heard that correctly....
As I buckle up my boots before heading off to Winter Wonderland to buckle up for a three minute ride, I'm all excited about trying to get into the Christmas spirit (even though I'm still called the Grinch by my friends).
Every year I go to this fabulous festive place of wonder to get my fix of German sausage and go on the waltzers thirteen times. (I don't go there for mince pies and gift buying, who do you think I am!!??)
As I enter the gates, gazing upon the gigantic Christmas tree, man sized toy soldiers and a Father Christmas with a somewhat pedophilic expression, I had literally taken three steps when a Mr. Louie Walsh came running past me with 11 or 12 screaming chavy teenagers chasing after him holding fairground flashing lights and giant sugar dummies. What is it about the fairground that attracts all the naughty kids from school? After ten minutes searching for the waltzers, I had already had enough of the kids hanging around the candy floss stands and spotty teenage boys trying to win giant Scooby Doo's for the girl's with the giant heart earrings.
And after months of temping at various jobs for peanuts I had a few spare pence to go on my favorite spinning ride. But having the audacity of being charged SEVEN POUND per person - to be SPUN AROUND! - I decided not to waste my money. After all, I can buy 24.5 packets of noodles for that! So I ended up with a German sausage inside me (my stomach) and heading off home for this years rubbish X Factor. Oh how it hasn't been the same since James Arthur was a contestant - Louie Walsh and all..
In four days time it will be Christmas day - the day I can eat as much cheese as I want. But it does not feel festive at all. I only went to winter wonderland to get in the mood and finding out the waltzers costs the same as booking a flight to Sydney, I've been left feeling rather deflated.
So what now? I've bought my friends their gifts from Primark, wrapped up some old clothes of mine to give to my teenage sister and written out a bunch of last years left over Christmas cards. All I need now is to plough myself with strong drink to see me through these days made for couples and kids. Being unconscious from Christmas Eve to the day after Boxing Day will help surely?
Maybe ill be a bit perkier (literally) once I've slipped into my Flash dance leotard, leg warmers and headband to see in the New Year at a 1980s disco.
But to be perfectly honest, I'm just looking forward to 2014 where I will be hosting my own comedy night in North London called HEFTY COMEDY at the end of each month ( I'm not self promoting at all ) ,writing more and saving up each month to pay for my extravagant fairground ground in December. Only 365 days to go!