THE BLOG
13/10/2015 12:54 BST | Updated 13/10/2016 06:12 BST

NHSA

"It's all about being in the right place at the right time" they say. Being spotted after a set of stand-up comedy to do a TV ad, being stopped in the street by a talent scout, or if you are like me, being discovered by a new stalker every time I get home from a night on the comedy scene.

For me this has been going on a while. I'm speaking about both subjects here; hoping I'm at that one gig where I might just have the right look or the right persona to join that famous representative who makes the stars, well, stars. AND, the collection of a new and shiny stalker after every gig.

You may be thinking my stalkers are all perverted old men. Oh no, they have come in all shapes and sizes, and sexes. I've been stalked by all. I once had a stalker who named herself after the fabulous Sarah Jessica Parker. If only it had of been the real one. She would join and log into the websites you had to join and log onto to. Write out Loud and YouTube are just classic examples. Her comments, full of manic hatred and obsessive dialogue where pretty upsetting to read at the beginning. But it started to get scary when she described one of my comedy gigs in such detail it was clear she was turning up to watch me and I had no idea. Sends a chill down my watched spine.

Of course I've picked up the positive stalker types too. Sending ego booting compliments, asking when my next gigs are, looking through my bedroom window at night. It's very flattering.

The best one was when a guy I met at a first day at work confessed he already knew who I was as he followed me on Twitter and came to all of my gigs. Confessing to someone you meet for the first time that they already know a lot about you is somewhat ...thrilling? Terrifying? 5% terrifying. 94% thrilling. 1 % Just . Plain. Weird.

I'm contemplated setting up a NHSA (NAOMI HEFTERS STALKERS ANNONIMOUS) meeting for these people. They can all meet each other and discuss when it all started for them and how bad it has taken over their lives. I'm hoping confessions of shrines and scrap books manifest within the hour. I'm assuming I won't be able to take the meeting myself though. They are there to be cured.

I just seem to have just the right look, jokes, persona and stage presence to attract a weird and wonderful. I guess at the end of the day it is a compliment. But I don't want to be killed whilst enjoying it.

So all I need is 100 more gigs to do and I've got myself 100 new stalkers. This means I have my own audience where I can do all the outrageous material I want without the worry of being heckled.

Tickets please!