05/06/2016 14:12 BST | Updated 06/06/2017 06:12 BST

One Tick, Two Ticks, Blue Ticks!

Being in a new a relationship is a wonderful thing. Lots of excitement, sex on tap, and for the first six months, you only show the best version of yourself. Bliss. However, there are a few things that can let you slip up and the cracks of a mental lady (or man) begin to show.

I feel very lucky that when I got in a relationship, WhatsApp hadn't been invented yet. And boy am I glad! Facebook was enough hassle. For me, WhatsApp is usually nothing more than a messaging device. Merely another way of contacting friends or loved ones. But for anyone in a new relationship, WhatsApp can make you go a little insane.

You send him a message. One tick. He has received it. Two ticks. He has read it. Blue ticks. You can see he is online. Nothing. He comes offline. Paranoia kicks in.

You wonder, because he read the message, why didn't he reply? It's not like the old texts when you only got that "has received" note come up. You never knew if it had been read though! WhatsApp is a dangerous thing. Even hiding when you have been online makes no difference if they have read it thanks to the blue tick scheme that came in not too long ago!

So you find yourself staring at your phone, checking to see if and when he goes back online. There he is again! But still no "typing" or reply pop up. Agitation and vivid images take over the mind.

You question if you should send another message. Then you remind yourself, you are still showing that best version of yourself, you don't want to start sending more messages on top of the already read messages because it's then, and only then, the crazy mental sides being to show!

You go to bed, have one last check on WhatsApp and see he was online only a few minutes ago but STILL no reply! You wonder who he was talking to?! So you find yourself just going online, not even going to talk to anyone else! Just looking, leering, hoping he will go back online and start typing! And when he goes finally do that, you are praying that he notices that you were online at 4am, wondering who you were talking to at that time of night, when it turns out we were just online staring at the phone knowing you are offline sleeping!!


Even now, years into MY relationship, I get that blood boiling, frustrating, unloved feeling when I see my boyfriend has read my message but not answered. One tick, two ticks, blue ticks.

I have done a set in comedy clubs about this, and I've lost count how many woman (and some men!) have said they relate to this so much. I'm glad I'm not the only one on this this.

One tick, two ticks, blue ticks. We hate you.