22/11/2013 09:21 GMT | Updated 25/01/2014 16:01 GMT

New Drugs Warning

Incredible news: cocaine makes you stupid. That's right, you heard it here first. For years, models/actors/whatever have been on the C-Plan diet in the hope that not only will it make them skinny but also interesting and sexy as well. Turns out they were wrong on all counts.

Anyone who has been in the vicinity of a partaker of the magic fairy dust will know that what cocaine makes you is un-sexy.. What cocaine also makes you is loud, aggressive and sweaty. And shouty. And annoying. And bug eyed. And BORING.

The idea that cocaine makes you sexy is put into the taker's mind by that tingling they feel in their special area. That sensation is misconstrued by the cocaine consumer to mean that they are ready and raring to go and that simply everyone in the room is so drunk on their pheromones that they are ready and raring to go with them. What that sensation is actually telling them is that their whole body is screaming: "Get this stuff out of me", it is just that the only part of the body they are listening to is their personal parts.

Furthermore, and I would normally think this hardly worth mentioning, if a drug makes you do dangerous things and shuts off the message in your head that says "No, that's a bad idea, go to sleep before you do something really stupid", then it should not be taken by anyone that does something important as a job, like being mayor of an entire city, or running a major bank.

The two (gargantuan) figures who have given the tabloid press a collective newsgasm are Rob Ford the cartoonish leader of the great city of Toronto and the Chairman of the Co-Operative Bank Paul Flowers, who is also a Reverend. Fleet Street couldn't be happier if they found Elvis on the Moon at a pyjama party marathon with Michael Jackson and the cast of TOWIE.

Let's begin with the Reverend and lets start superficially, as that's the way I mean to go on. He looks like Uncle Monty, the lascivious boy botherer from Withnail and I. He also looks a bit like Captain Mainwaring from Dad's Army, but Captain Mainwaring never took horse tranquilliser to fuel a gay sex orgy, or at least not in any of the episodes I've seen. Cancel all future news - this is the story that could keep on giving 'till the printing presses run dry. There isn't enough ink to write it all down.

A rent boy has broken cover to allege that he and others would take a variety of drugs with the top flight banker including but not limited to: cocaine, crack cocaine, crystal meth. amyl nitrate, ketamine and the "party" drug GHB. If any of these substances were to come with one of those inserts warning you of the side effects that you get in drugs from the doctor, it would be in the form of a flashing neon sign reading - "DON'T DO IT. And if you do, you might want to call the ambulance now to save time later. And further more, don't go to work afterwards on just an hour's sleep if you make your living doing anything other than packing Play-Doh".

He is alleged to have used the bank's money to rent rooms in hotels to avail himself of all that the underbelly of Manchester can provide, which is a lot. Much more than most people could possibly have imagined. You would have to be on something pretty strong to have dreamt up this stuff, and if you haven't got any, then I know a Reverend who might be able to sort you out.

The spherical leader of Toronto, meanwhile, is single handedly putting to bed the notion that nothing much that is newsworthy happens in Canada. This is the man who said that the video reportedly showing him smoking crack was not him, as he had never done such a thing. On seeing said tape, he said: "Oh...crack! Yes, that's me, I thought you said tobacco. I would never smoke that stuff, my body is an enormous temple." Or words to that effect. What he actually said was that he had a weight problem and an alcohol problem but that he did not have a drugs problem. Presumably because he doesn't have a problem in acquiring any.

The revelations came like a tidal wave of infamy. There were prostitutes (which seems to be a theme) there was violence, sexual harassment and a comical turn in the Toronto council chamber when he charged into an elderly lady and knocked her over, like a wrecking ball made entirely of pork fat. And STILL the good people of that fair city have decided not to sack him. The locals call it the entertainment capital of Canada. They can say that again!

What lessons can be learned from these two unconnected farragos of ignominy? Don't accept a pipe from a leading light of the City of London. Don't get in the way of a speeding North American councilperson. But most importantly, and models/actors/whatever might want to pay special attention here: apparently, cocaine is not a slimming aid at all.