09/06/2014 09:15 BST | Updated 06/08/2014 06:59 BST

Reasons to Be Fearful, Part 3,456,872

Britain is offering 1,000 troops and the tanks they can still start to NATO so they can put on a show in Poland that they think will put Vlad the Insaner back in his box...

Britain is offering 1,000 troops and the tanks they can still start to NATO so they can put on a show in Poland that they think will put Vlad the Insaner back in his box. They don't know him very well, do they? This is a man who has probably amassed the largest fortune the world has ever seen and done so in complete secrecy. He has also built himself a cosy summer home that is eight times as big as Buckingham Palace. It is in Sochi, where trillions of Russian roubles have been spent on updating the infrastructure around it, in the guise of bringing the Winter Olympics to a beach resort. He's completely off his rocker. A few thousand men frowning at him from across the border isn't going to stop his populist shenanigans, especially when they are playing so well with the "electorate" at home.

Ukip's leader Nigel Farage has been monstered on the front page of Britain's only left leaning tabloid, which pictured him engaged in an intimate moment with a flame haired bombshell while enjoying all the delights that Malta can offer. They were pictured hand in hand, strolling back to the obligatory five star hotel. As it happens, the lady in question walks with a crutch and our Nige was only snapped holding her hand as he was assisting her in an old fashioned gentlemanly manner. Case closed, nothing to see here, please move along. Except that he was at The Institute for Travel and Tourism's annual conference to give a speech, for which he reportedly received a handsome five figure sum. The rich irony in Nige being paid so much to encourage those from abroad to visit these shores was completely lost on the Mirror, which concentrated instead on his subsequently denied closeness to the lady, and his already well documented, medically alarming alcohol intake. That seems like slack reporting. For the Fourth Estate to miss an open goal like that should give us all cause for concern.

Speaking of open goals, England's warm up games for the forthcoming Tournament of Habitual Disappointment are going just as you would expect - not that well. In ninety whole minutes, our boys managed to put just three balls past the goal keeper of Peru, a country that sits somewhere below the uninhabited Galapagos Islands in the FIFA world rankings. Even the ITV football coverage is more proficient at the game than Peru. We only just squeaked a draw against Ecuador, wherever that is, with Wayne Rooney so desperate that he punched the air after scoring from a fumbling huddle that was on the opposition's goal line. His shot travelled a full six inches, in a friendly, cueing great celebrations. We're doomed.

The things that will make you fat are increasing by the hour. It used to be thought that fat will make you fat. Now we know what the sugar racket has been spending millions on keeping secret, that it it is sugar that makes you fat. Unfortunately, it is also: diet foods, diet drinks, cereal, brown bread, fruit juice, fancy coffee and nuts. This is all common sense stuff. However, what is also making you fat is: your reading skills (believing healthy sounding labels), your thermostat (warm rooms keep pounds on), your friends (if they are fat, so will you be), plastic (it leaks chemicals that we absorb, which renders us obese), stress (makes us eat) and curtains (if you eat too many of them - no, that's not right - if they're too light, they make the bedroom bright and lack of sleep makes us over-eat). Even reading articles on what makes you fat will make you fat, as you will be stationary while you are doing it.

There is a simple remedy for these ills. At a stroke, we could give Vlad something to think about, bring ourselves closer to Europe, increase national morale and give the Cross of St George flag bearers something to cheer about and significantly reduce the amount of time we sit around stuffing ourselves,so rendering us fighting fit. Let's invade Russia. That sounds like a plan. With Cameron and Hague leading from the front, what could possibly go wrong?