Candy Crush requests. Cute videos of otters sleeping. Click-baity links to celebrities who've had a haircut [INSERT CELEB NAME doesn't look like THIS anymore!]. Holiday photos. Motivational quotes. Engagement announcements. Most of us wade through the cornucopia of crap that is Facebook first thing in the morning, last thing at night and countless other times throughout the day. Yet while the faces and the names in my newsfeed may be different to yours, you can bet that the content is pretty much the same. And now Facebook have launched their five new emoji alternatives to the 'like' button, I fear this will only further strip us all of the little personality we have on social media. I mean, who's going to use actual words to convey an opinion when an inanimate yellow face will do?
I did some extensive, scientific research* and we all seem to fall into the same, seven behavioural patterns below. The question is, which one are you?
*dicked around on Facebook for half an hour
1. The Humble-Bragger
Traits: Don't be fooled, the Humble-Bragger's life is probably just as shitty as yours but you would never know it judging by the torrent beautiful, sunny, smiley faced pictures that plague their timeline. The Humble Bragger skims over the bad in order to share the best bits of their life with you, like promotions they've just been given or swoon-worthy holidays they're about to embark on. However, they're careful to shove all that smug into a faux-humble package so you don't hate them. E.g. 'Ugh, packing for a luxury two week break in the Maldives SUCKS!'
We see through you Humble-Bragger, we see through you.
Favoured Hashtag: #soblessed, #lovinglife, #happiness, #iwokeuplikethis
2. The Motivational Quoter
Traits: The Motivational Quoter shuns formulating actual sentences in favour of sharing pretty pictures with random words on them, like this:
So much inspire! Thanks internet.
I like to imagine that the Motivational Quoter spends much of their day drunk, unbathed and frantically searching for a meme that perfectly sums up their need to get off their ass and into the shower.
Favoured Hashtag: #inspiration, #motivation, #beyourbestyou
3. The Vaguebooker
Traits: This attention seeker relishes in posting purposefully vague yet intriguing status updates, but - much to their friend's chagrin - will refuse to be engaged into any specifics. Thrives on comments such as 'Oh hun, what's happened?' or 'Hope you're OK!' Would benefit greatly from turning off their phone and getting some fresh air.
Favoured Hashtag: #whatdoesntkillyoumakesyoustronger #myfriendswererightaboutyou #movingon
4. The Activist
Traits: Possibly the most admirable of all the personalities you'll find on Facebook, The Activist attempts to harness the power of social media and use it as a force for good. There is no cause too obscure for The Activitist to get behind. The only downside is that there is no cause too obscure for The Activist to get behind, so expect your feed to be full of confronting videos and petition signature requests until you swallow your guilt and eventually unfollow them.
Favoured Hashtags: #savethebees, #signthepetition
5. The Feuder
Traits: The Feuder will most likely be found in the comments section of an inflammatory article, writing sentences such as 'Before I block you, let me just say...'
Favoured Hashtag: #justsaying, #entitledtomyopinion, #trumpforthewin
6. The Oversharer
Traits: No task is too trite for The Oversharer to update us all with. E.g. 'Just dropped the kids at school now back home to clean the house and then make a casserole for blah blah blah' WHO CARES?
Favoured Hashtag: #idon'tknowhowhashtagsworksotheyarealwaysreallyfuckinglongandpointless
7. The Lurker
Traits: They show up on your feed so infrequently that you've probably forgotten you were even friends, but rest assured that The Lurker's always there. Watching. Judging.
Favoured Hashtags: None. But their phone is full of screenshots of all the stupid shit you've ever said/done online, which they've sent to their friends in order to mock you.