31/05/2017 09:47 BST | Updated 31/05/2017 09:47 BST

Text Kiss Politics

We have stepped into another period of intense political ping pong. A General Election with mud slinging from old men who scoff in the Houses of Parliament, shouting words like 'preposterous' and then choking on the phlegm from their smoking pipes. This type of politics often only induces frustration and disturbs it's viewers. Especially after May said that Corbyn would be 'alone and naked' in Brexit negotiations. That was enough to make me choke on my quinoa.

'Text Kiss Politics' on the other hand is something which evokes a whole range of emotions; anguish, disgust and often embarrassment are the key leaders of this debate.

The scientific term for Text Kiss Politics is 'the equality or inequality of x's appended to a text message which defines the status and affection of the relationship'.

Imagine this, you've been talking to someone for a long time and suddenly they put an 'x' on the end of their text. It's not a condolence text or an obvious step towards a more romantic relationship, instead they've simply asked what time you are getting up tomorrow. What do you do? You either return the gesture and put an x in return because you trust that you're at that stage of your relationship now or you don't and you rebuff the advancement, which makes you a big fat bellend.

Before you make the decision, you will question 'what if they put the 'x' accidentally'? They are texting their mother at the same time as you and it was a force of habit. So you put an 'x' on the end and in their reply, 2 hours later, it's gone again. You look up from your phone, with a face of disgruntlement, staring into the distance from your bench at the park whilst you temporarily take a break from munching on your Meal Deal. You've selected a good one today, plenty of mayonnaise but that doesn't matter now that you've embarrassed yourself. You say 'I knew I should have played it cool' but it's just too late.

They've played a mean game of puppetry and you my friend are slightly less enthusiastic but slightly better groomed Elmo.

There are some techniques I've seen recommended before, such as for every text from now on add an 'x' until you get one back. Which might result in a restraining order, after 20 'x's I believe you're allowed to file for one. Another recommendation is to audition for the next Reality TV show you hear about. Whether it's Naked Attraction, where you first meet your date naked and learn about your own wobbly bits when you catch up on All 4 or Love Island, where undoubtedly you'll be limiting your career choices for the foreseeable future.

Before you fall to your knees and scream into the sky 'WHHHHHHY?' causing any nearby pigeons to instantly shit themselves, here's my advice.

Love bravely, text wildly and add an x wherever you go. Take back control. It's your choice to put the x not theirs and if you're not ready, don't put that x. If they take back their x, laugh wildly with your head back because they could not be as brave as you.

I want to make you remember a witty comment to use in conversation with your friends. Something along the lines of 'if they don't put that x then maybe they should be an ex' but I'm not, I mean, that sounds shit doesn't it?


P.S. My favourite song this week is Most Girls by Hailee Steinfeld. It's incredible.