25/03/2015 10:40 GMT | Updated 24/05/2015 06:59 BST

Forget Having a Bucket List, Mums Need a "F*cket List"

There is a reason dry shampoo was invented, however, this reason always eluded me pre-baby with me saying ludicrous sentences like "Why would I need dry shampoo? I will just wash my hair if its dirty!" Oh the unadulterated bliss of having time to wash anything but someone else ass.

Yes, we may have a life Bucket list filled with the adventures, challenges and downright pure indulgence we one day want to fulfill. However, lets face it, whilst we are in the early stages of motherhood summitting the mountain of dirty washing is more on the agenda than climbing Kilimanjaro and swimming with a baby turd is way more likely than swimming with Dolphins. Therefore, we instead need something to take it's place. A new list of challenges that are more in tune with our mum shaped lives. A list of things that similar to our "shelved for the moment" bucket list make us feel alive, liberated and like the downright kick ass women that we are!

Ladies I give you the "Fucket List". A long and glorious list of all the things in our new mum shaped lives that we can tick off and say a big almighty "Fucket!" to:

Getting dressed before 12 midday (in fact getting dressed at all)

Who would of thought that getting dressed would be something that we don't even have time to remember to do when we are in the glorious fog of no sleep, screaming baby, breakfast and school run hell and that when we do finally remember we are still in our PJs it just pisses us off as getting our asses dressed is just another bloody job we are responsible for on a long list of things we are responsible for. SERIOUSLY, I actually used to love clothes and getting dressed in them, however, the whole stinking ritual now just drives me crazy. I have already fed, changed the bum and dressed two tiny humans I simply cannot be arsed to go through the same laborious process for myself! So lets just "Fucket!"

Other Peoples shit

There was a time I used to care about what people thought of me and the choices I made. I would lie in bed at night playing over certain scenarios and conversations worrying myself sick about what some person, be it a stranger, work colleague, family member or friend, thought of me and the choices I was making with my life, career, hair blah blah blah. Even people I didn't like that much got a look in. However, who has time or brain space for this shit when you are trying to keep one or more Tiny Humans alive? I don't and I am pretty certain you don't either therefore lets say a HUGE "Fucket!" to other people and their shit!

Washing your hair

There is a reason dry shampoo was invented, however, this reason always eluded me pre-baby with me saying ludicrous sentences like "Why would I need dry shampoo? I will just wash my hair if its dirty!" Oh the unadulterated bliss of having time to wash anything but someone else ass. These days its more like "Why the hell would I waste any of the ten seconds I have to myself by washing my hair when I have invested in a years supply of dry shampoo?" Sorry Bonce but washing you any time soon gets a BIG "fucket!"

Mopping, hoovering and any form of deep cleaning whatsoever

If my bloody hair isn't getting a wash and brush then my floors sure as hell a'int! Yes I am saying "fucket!" to the film of dust on the TV, the stains on the coffee table and the bits of spat out biscuit down the back of the sofa cushion, you are all just going to have to get in line behind feeding screaming mouths and spraying dry shampoo on my lifeless hair.

Having a glass or five of wine

SERIOUSLY a BIG "fucket!" to any guilt surrounding having a glass or five of wine. Some days it is the only thing that I am a) looking forward to and b)looking forward to and c) looking forward to - you get the message! Wine is good yah!

Having a sleep whilst your Tiny Human is

Yes, yes I know we have all at some point in time wanted to punch the person who said this to us in the face and scream at them "Oh yes I will sleep, but who the hell is going to clean up this shit tip of a house?!" But theres your answer. As established above you are saying "fucket!" to anything resembling a mop or hoover, therefore, you do have time to sleep. After having my second baby it hit me like a bolt of lightning what a bloody fool I had been, using the nap time of my first born to clean the bloody house or put a wash on when all I wanted to do was dive into bed and sleep forever. The thing is you have bloody well earned your sleep and it is way more important than anything else. Go on do it right now, go and get into that lovely big bed and close your eyes to all the other shit and just "fucket!"

Having a freezer full of organic homemade purees

I LOVE the idea of opening my freezer to a draw filled with home made purees all labelled nicely and lined up in order of preference. HOWEVER, I don't love the ridiculous levels of panic that surge through me if I haven't defrosted them in time for lunch (Yes I did open the freezer to get them earlier but then stepped on a toddler and then everything else after that was a blur of screams and tantrums). I also don't love the bloody guilt trap making them sucks you into if you suddenly run out and have to heaven forbid open a jar! So I am saying a big "Fucket!" to the evil guilt that surrounds baby weaning and buying jars, as lets face it Ellas Kitchen is not full of arsenic!

A Bikini line that is less Brazilian and more Gorillas in the mist

God your hair on your head thinks it's neglected, boy oh boy, it doesn't know how lucky it is in comparison to it's cousin Madame Pubes! Ladies, need I say anything more than "FUCKET!"

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