09/06/2014 11:09 BST | Updated 09/08/2014 06:59 BST

A Friend in Need Is a Friend Best Avoided

"Keep smiling, Keep shining

Knowing you can always count on me, for sure

That's what friends are for

For good times and bad times

I'll be on your side forever more

That's what friends are for".

With all due respect to Dionne, I'm not sure I quite believe her.

Would she really be my friend, no matter what? Somehow I doubt it. After all, I've never actually met her. I think I might have come close once, but, guess what, she walked on by.

By no means a definitive list, this is what I feel are the marks of a true friend.

1- A friend is someone you can really be yourself with- a rugby playing mate any man can kick his high heels off with and have a good old natter about pantyhose.

2- A friend is someone you can tell anything to and they won't judge you. They'll leave that to the jury. Rest assured though, they'll be more than willing to give you a false alibi and stand up in the witness box to lie on your behalf.

3- A friend is someone you can call in the middle of the night and they'll be genuinely pleased to hear from you. See, that definitely wouldn't be Dionne, particularly when I reverse the charges.

4- A friend is someone who will always forgive your actions, up to and including you sleeping with their husband/wife/ boyfriend/ girlfriend. They never liked them much anyway. Well, not compared to you.

5- A friend is someone who's always encouraging and not in the least discouraging. That's not Dionne either. She never responds when I post her another suggestion for a song I've written.

6- A friend is someone who won't be jealous of your successes. Equally, they'll always be there when you fail and fall. Mind you, falling is an occupational hazard in those heels.

7- A friend is someone who'll be the first to congratulate you when you're promoted above them at work.

8- A friend is someone who'll happily remortgage their house to pay for your emergency medical bills. Or, at the very least, chip in for the funeral expenses.

9- A friend is someone who won't have a bad word said against you. And will never slag you off behind your back. They will, however, be relentlessly honest to your face.

10 - A friend is someone you may not see or speak to for a whole hour and when you do meet up or talk again it's as if you've never been apart.

In short, a friend is a friend till the day you die. Because my friend that's what friends are for. Isn't that right, Dionne?

Jeez, all those years on the psychic channel and she can't even get back to me telepathically

Unfortunately, if these points are what singles out a friend and distinguishes them from being a mere acquaintance, then I don't need one hand to count the number of real friends I have. In fact, I don't need as much as one finger. Two fingers might be more appropriate-stuck up to the concept of close camaraderie.

Sad as it is, I apparently have no genuine friends. Not one single solitary soul who I can trust and rely on 100%. (Perhaps I should get a dog- man's best friend come what may).

But then how many of us do?

Could you text someone from a Saudi prison cell and be certain in the knowledge that they'd hop on the next plane out to be at your side?

I sure as hell know that I couldn't.

Still, that's the trouble with friendship. It's like an elastic band. It only stretches so far before it finally breaks. There's only so many times you can ask someone for emotional support, only so many times you can fall on their generosity, only so many times you can watch Beaches with them.

We're all friends with our friends up to a point, then suddenly BBF becomes BF and then simply F. Before eventually turning into FOALME- the acronym for F**K OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE.

The next time you have another problem or crisis, think very carefully about frantically calling that special someone who'd willingly take a bullet for you (yeah, as if).

It could very well turn out be the end of a beautiful friendship.

Honestly Dionne, I was rather wishin' and hopin' for more.