17/12/2013 05:25 GMT | Updated 14/02/2014 05:59 GMT

All I Want for Christmas...

No, not my two front teeth. Although I distinctly remember a school dinner lady who did lunchtime playground duty (remember those? *sighs*) used to sing that to me when I was about 5 years old. But I digress.

I'm not sure WHAT I really want to be honest. The sad thing is that when I want or need something, I just normally go and buy it. For the large purchases, I may have to wait a little (or I may bang it out on a credit card depending on how desperate I am), but in general, I don't wait, EVER. It's such a sign of the times, and a quick straw poll of my girlfriends had them saying the same thing. Are we all just that spoiled rotten by ourselves?

I might not be sure what I want for Christmas, I can, however, tell you what I don't want.... This may or may not be a list of presents I have received in the past. Husband, Mother, Mother in Law, Friends. Look. Away. Now.

  • Remember that jumper I pointed out in the shop. Not the one you got me that looks similar but is very inferior in both quality and style. (please pay attention)

  • River Dance on VHS video. Bought because I mentioned that Michael Flatley was a good dancer. All time present fail of the highest order
  • 30 Ways with Vinegar. Hardly 50 Shades of Grey. I don't care that you can get stains out of your carpet with it. This is not considered good bed time reading (or good reading whatsoever).
  • A china cat. I have TWO real ones. I don't want/need a soddin' ornament. I don't even have ornaments! LOOK AT MY HOUSE FFS!
  • Travis - the singing trout. Ok I confess, this was bought for my OH. But you can still feel my pain.
  • Oven trays. Yes. Oven trays. There are no words. This might be the most offensive gift ever.
  • A shoe 'wine bottle holder'. Be the talk of the town at your dinner parties. Or don't. I have friends that will pay me if I get this out when they visit... Also heavy enough to knock out a burglar so maybe not as useless as I originally thought.
  • A pocket hand warmer. Dude. I have pockets in my coats and I wear Hermes gloves. Don't waste your cash because I refuse to stand holding a heart shaped piece of plastic to warm up.

  • Candles that smell like toilets. Please take a sniff before you buy. Scented should mean they smell nice. No?

  • ANY perfume by a celebrity or pop star. No. Please. Don't.

  • Stuffed toys. I'm not a child nor a love sick teenager. WTF do I do with them? Please discuss.

Ok, so I sound like an ungrateful bitch I know. But I'm really not. Just don't buy me shite. Simples.

NB this article is not meant to offend but if you read it and are offended, then maybe you should have a look at the sort of shitty gifts you buy for your loved ones.