Attraction. It's an odd thing, isn't it? Some people find Harry Styles attractive, for example, when he's plainly just a bell-end with the hair of a 1970s footballer. Heck, some people find me attractive (they do!) and I look like a testicle that someone has strategically shaved and drawn a frown onto. I now present 11 Things That Men Find Inexplicably Attractive. If you fall into any of these brackets, ladies, I salute you and your kind.
FEMALE MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT UNDER THE AGE OF 40.
It's that peculiar mixture of power, driving ambition and haughtiness, combined with the overwhelming probability that they get up to all manner of filth in their chambers, as MPs are wont to do. Note: this does not apply to Louise Mensch. Dreadful creature.
She's so mousey that she should be in a laboratory somewhere with a human ear sewn to her back, but we men just can't help but love her, mainly because she plays Every Single Woman In The World on 30 Rock. It helps that 30 Rock is ace.
LADIES DOING THEIR MAKE-UP ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT.
Absolutely fascinating. It is mesmerising for a man to watch this process unfold, turning a blank canvas into a thing of wonder. It is also terribly intimate and shows that SHE cares what YOU think of her appearance. Yes, YOU. Quick, do that creepy "friend request" thing from the Pepsi Max advert!*
LADIES WHO PARTAKE IN ROLLER DERBIES.
Blokes, you may have never thought of this before but I defy you to claim that roller derby girls are not hot. It's that peculiar mixture of shorts, kneepads and homicidal aggression that does it for me. "These ladies," I find myself thinking, "would make a sizeable breakfast out of you."
This is helped by the fact that two of Britain's most notable heptathletes are Jessica Ennis, who is gorgeous, and Katarina Johnson-Thompson, who is even more gorgeous and funny on Twitter. I therefore extrapolate that all heptathletes are gorgeous.
The appeal, as I'm sure any man will confirm, is that librarians represent a totem of cardigan-wearing respectability and have done for decades. They probably wear glasses too, and guys love to make passes etc. However, in recent times they have been given an added frisson by the fact that there are no more libraries, affording librarians the erotic exoticism of rarity.
LADIES WALKING HOME FROM WORK IN THEIR OFFICE CLOTHES BUT THEY HAVE PUT ON TRAINERS TO WALK IN.
This is one that I am not going to explain, mainly because I don't understand it myself and I suspect that, somewhere in there, there lies a detail that reveals me to be a massive pervert.
LADIES WHO WORK IN SANDWICH SHOPS.
Let's face it, we men are simple folk, requiring of simple things: sex, cuddles, warmth and feeding. Well, female sandwich shop employees can provide all of these things (assuming they have a toaster) although you should make sure that any sex you have is away from the egg mayonnaise bowl. They're basically like brassy barmaids, but with bread.
Maybe this is an adjunct of being raised on - well, not "raised on", I wasn't eating them - adult magazines where the "aroused young lady has lost her purse so pays for her cab journey in other ways" was something of a recurring motif. This is why I always tell female cabbies that I've lost my wallet. The result? Seven convictions for fleeing without paying.
Why do we bother? It's not like we possess a magic penis that is going to make them recant, is it? It's absolutely pointless to get excited by lesbians and that pointlessness, of course, is the point. They're off doing their Sapphic things and we can't have any of it. At least, I can't, and believe me when I say that it's not for a lack of asking.
Yeah, I've sort of touched on this one before.
Now you have a go.