09/07/2013 13:19 BST | Updated 16/10/2013 12:45 BST

My 40 Excuses for Not Being Married at 40

I recently turned 40 and, still being not remotely married, I decided to come up with 40 possible reasons why... One: 51% of the world's population is female, which means that, statistically, 2% of all men simply have to miss out. So, yes, I'm shit at maths.


I recently turned 40 and, still being not remotely married, I decided to come up with 40 possible reasons why.

1. 51 percent of the world's population is female, which means that, statistically, two percent of all men simply have to miss out. So, yes, I'm shit at maths.

2. It's not cheap to go out with me, thanks to my insistence on going Dutch. So it's not that women don't want to be my girlfriend, it's just that, in the current financial crisis, they can't afford it.

3. It is no longer romantically advantageous to look and sound like Adrian Chiles. Maybe five years ago, but man alive, has that ship ever sailed!

4. I still dress like a teenager. And it may just be that women do not want to be squired to restaurants by a man in a vintage Mickey Mouse t-shirt and sagging jeans.

5. Karma.

6. My insistence on playing on any pub quiz machine that I happen upon. They tell me I shouldn't do that on a first date, but if Word Soup is on it, please excuse me.

7. My bed is uncomfortable. If Feng Shui teaches us anything, it's that you can blame pretty much anything on the furniture.

8. I snore.

9. I have terrible tattoos.

10. And, according to one Daily Mail reader, "a face like a rumpled duvet."

11. I have the film taste of a serial killer.

12. I have dating fatigue. Apparently we can reach a point when we are so "dated out" that we no longer make much of an effort. That's me!

13. I have actually already met the love of my life and I messed it up because I'm mental.

14. The very real possibility that I am just awful. Overweight, West Midlands accent, crap tattoos - ladies, would you let your daughter date this man?

15. The very real possibility that I am too nice. I'm trying to explore every available possibility here, okay?

16. I don't ask enough questions on dates. I've never quite understood this criticism. Ladies, if you have information that you wish to volunteer, just tell me! Don't wait for me to coax it out of you!

17. My ridiculous reasons for postponing dates, which have, in the past, included "I think I have swine flu" and "I didn't want to miss the championship play-off final."

18. All of the best ones really are taken. I'd like to assure any single ladies reading that I don't believe it for one second.

19. I just haven't met the right woman yet. This is what my mum likes to say at christmas when I'm pissed and weepy.

20. My tendency to write about my love life in the national press. For some reason, that makes it tricky to get dates.

21. Online articles like this one.

22. Global warming. No, seriously. When you are a gentleman of my height and heft, warm summer evening drinks can be uncomfortable affairs. To put it another way - dates make me sweat.

23. Groucho Marx once said, "I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members." By the same principle, I'm not sure I want to be dating anyone who is mad enough to want to date me.

24. My accent. Someone actually dumped me over it in the past. Seriously!

25. I can't cook. I do very good risottos but one can't build a future based around rice, can one?

26. I partake in rap battles at the age of 40. It's at this moment that the last remaining readers who had any sympathy at all, finally give up.

27. I am not the handsome 24-year-old millionaire social network expert Pete Cashmore, I'm the other one.

28. It's my destiny to be alone. If all else fails, you can always blame it on fate.

29. In the technological era, there are simply too many ways to meet new people. Internet dating? Facebook? Twitter? Speed dating events? Stop it, world, I'm getting nauseous!

30. I just bought a new chaise longue. Blaming the furniture AGAIN? Yes, well, it's just so bastard comfortable that sometimes I just don't feel like going out socialising.

31. I'd be a fool not to consider the very real possibility that if the future Mrs Pete actually did show up, I'd run for the hills in terror. Even so, if she is reading this, I implore her to make herself known nevertheless.

32. I never got over Lisa Mountford breaking my heart when I was six.

33. I don't know how to put shelves up.

34. I can't drive and chicks don't dig that.

35. I use the word "chicks".

36. I'm hopeless at romance. I once impulsively stopped a taxi so that I could leap out and buy a bunch of flowers from a roadside florist for my fellow passenger. She then informed me that she suffered from acute hay fever.

37. There are no excuses, it's all my fault. Surely the greatest, least specific catch-all cop-out of them all!

38. I have an unattractive habit of farting myself awake in bed.

39. My eyes are different colours. No, hear me out. Because my eyes are odd, people tend to stare at them, which is quite unsettling, so I'm not great at eye contact, an important part of making a good impression on a date... See? It's all connected!

40. I've left this one blank for your suggestions. Go easy on me, I'm ancient and alone.