07/02/2012 17:02 GMT | Updated 08/04/2012 06:12 BST

Universal Horoscopes

Sometimes, in this busy world, it can be hard keeping up to date with your horoscopes.

As a time-saving aid I have consulted the stars and formulated a universal horoscope.

These are written (after consulting the stars) for this week, but as they are universal all you have to do next week is move down to the next horoscope.

Easy, eh?


You have strong feelings about a loved one that may or may not change due to some reason or another. You are feeling happy in yourself but not every second of every day. You will be hungry after a light lunch.


With the moons of Jupiter shifting into a new orbit, you will desire something that is blatantly out of you realms of possibility, like invisibility or something? You will also aim to start your day without breaking any laws but you will, unintentionally, break a few.


Make sure you take the time to fulfil some promises you have made recently, especially court-ordered ones. Whilst travelling around by car, be sure to remember that there will most likely be traffic, so take that into consideration.


The seasonal changes taking place at the moment make you take stock of your life. You change your hair colour to match the outside world, with green and browns often changing to white. You have an itch that is just out of reach.


You will reluctantly get dressed today, despite growing irritations with modern social conventions. Too many times you find yourself in antagonistic situations where it is a case of 'him-or-me'. You will find yourself going to the park less frequently.


Travel comes under the spotlight today as you try to appreciate that there are places in the world that you have not visited despite the fact that they do exist. You also try to figure out how planes actually fly. You know it is some sort of science, but it isn't clear.


Although you try to keep yourself to a schedule, things keep knocking you off track. Appointments are missed, bookings are unbooked and you forgot to leave the chicken out for dinner tonight. You realise that you could just defrost it in the microwave but you are aware that it doesn't taste as good.


Finances play heavy on your mind today. The main point of contention will be around the fact that you don't have much money but other people have loads. You will spend most of the day plotting what you would do if you won the lottery, like getting a jet ski... that would be way cool.


Spend some time catching up with friends you haven't seen for a while. While they may be reluctant to meet up with you, insist. When socialising remember that if somebody is telling you a story that reminds you of a similar story from your own life, interrupt them and start telling your story.


You decide that today is finally the day to take charge of things. You hire a Roman centurion costume and swagger around your place of work in a way that says "I'm the daddy". You also refuse to acknowledge anybody who does refer to you as Maximus McLegend.


The phrase 'the early bird catches the worm' plays on your mind today. This leads you to wake up early and forge a nest out of twigs and assorted roughage. You take up your place in a sturdy oak tree in the local park and await your much-deserved worm. After several hours of no-worm action you will have to choose whether the worm from the saying is metaphorical or that you weren't early enough to catch it.


You will feel that your whole life is an orchestrated falsehood, like the film The Truman Show. Whilst interrogating your loved ones you will reflect on how, while The Truman Show was a very good film, when Truman finds out his whole life is a lie he just has a bit of a cry and then gets on with it. How did his head not LITERALLY explode?