01/11/2012 12:52 GMT | Updated 23/01/2014 18:58 GMT

I've Met 'Romney' and You Know What? He's a D*ck

For those of you who are still undecided about whom to vote for in the upcoming presidential election, shame on you. You are either a never-ending attention whore, mildly retarded, or someone who has the short-term memory of Reagan in his last year of office (some argue it was his last two terms).

And if you truly are sincere about your undeciditivity, which I doubt, but if you are, which I doubt, but if you are - here is something I can say to you which may help tip the scales: Romney is a dick.

How do I know this? Well, I have actually met Mitt Romney on several occasions.

Just the other day, I went through an airport security checkpoint and there was a huge line leading up to two screening areas. So basically, it was one line forking off into two lines, (pardon my language) just like at the ATM machines. Well, guess who saunters up and ignores the queue, cutting everybody off in the process - bingo, Mitt Romney.

Despite our chorus of "excuse me(s)" and "the line's back here anus(es)", he ignored us and continued on as if we were pesky gnats. It was a test of wills and he won. He knew it wasn't worth us calling security because we weren't bothered enough. Plus, it's just one guy. Plus, he knew he could get away with it. What a dick.

I also, believe it or not, worked with Romney once at a law firm. It involved some sort of disputed land area between some native Americans in the southwest v. US government. He was adamant that the government had legal ownership but I found some evidence to the contrary and reported it back to the higher ups. After it became evident that I was right, the boss asked us both where we stood. Mitt the Prick then pipes in that he thought all along that the government had no case at all and that WE found the evidence that confirmed it. If I had screamed, "That's not true - this penis is lying!" it would have appeared petty plus he was the firm's hotshot, plus he knew he could get away with it.

Finally, and I'm admitting this for the first time, Willard and I went to school together. There was a kid in our high school who was prone to highly energetic outbursts when he got excited. Fellow students were merciless in their taunts, especially Mitzy. But he went one step further: he wasn't just satisfied with laughing at his occasional outbursts, he would try and bring them on. He'd get in his face, hurl vicious nicknames at him, even pin him down until the kid would go apeshit. No one stopped him. He got away with it because he was the class leader and defying him would mean social castigation and possibly even getting taunted yourself. Romney got away with it through intimidation and it paid off. And, of course, he was a first class weiner.

So, there you have it. Three specific instances where I met Mitt Romney, witnessed his shafty behavior and based on this evidence, I am not voting for him.

"Wait", you say? "There's no way I could have gone to school with Robot if he's over 20 years older than me?" Okay. Confession: these three events all happened to me in my life, but not with Romney. It was some other tool. But my point is exactly the same.

The Beast from Bain didn't cut in that line at airport security but can't you see him doing it? Just like you saw him on the campaign trail completely ignoring the media time and time again? What about recently when they tried to ask him why he continued to endorse Murdouk after his comment that rape resulting in pregnancy is 'something that God intended'? Or dissing a PA bakery when he said they looked like they were made at 7-11? Or ignoring this guy in a wheelchair who asked him about medical marijuana in 2007.

And no, Mormon Mitt didn't lie in front of my boss by taking credit for something I did, but can't you see him doing it? Just like he took credit for having the same auto industry bailout plan as Obama when in fact, he wrote an editorial called 'Let Detroit Go Bankrupt.' And despite his claims that they had the same bankruptcy plan, Obama used federal funding to save GM and Chrysler, whereas Chubbie wanted to use non-existent private sector financing. And what about Doinker's latest claim that Chrysler is outsourcing production of Jeeps to China? It's totally misleading because no US jobs will be lost as a result.

Finally, Schlongney never taunted or pinned down my helpless classmate in school. But according to the Washington Post, he did do something similar at Cranbrook School in MI when he was 18. Spotting a student with long hair, John Lauber, he was quoted as saying, "That's wrong. Just look at him!" He was later witnessed gathering a posse, who then pinned Lauber down while Romney cut off his long hair. Nuff said: What a dingus.

It is often said that voters pick their candidate by asking the question: Which one would you want to have a beer with? Well since Pudney doesn't drink beer, I will pose an alternative question: Which candidate possesses cockish qualities which, if you saw them displayed in person, would make you say, 'I would never vote for that person'.

I know I will be accused of having given virtually no Obama examples, and I'm sure there are some, perhaps many. But I think I know Barack well enough over the last six years to know that whatever qualities he possesses in the dong arena, he doesn't hold a candle to Mr. Romney (I never thought I would write that sentence). Yes, I have met some Obamas in my day and I don't hate them, I may even like them. As for Romney's, I've hated every one.

So when you get in that booth next Tuesday (or if it's still flooded, Thursday) think about that guy cutting in line at the airport, or baldfaced lying in front of your boss, or humiliating a 'different' classmate and ask yourself if you want that guy to be your president.

Don't let him get away with it.

One of the four witnesses at Cranbrook looked back on the haircutting incident and said 'I'm sorry that I didn't do more to help the situation'. Well now we all can. It is a test of wills and we will win. We are bothered enough. Plus, it's just one guy.

And he's a DICK.