THE BLOG
15/07/2013 12:12 BST | Updated 12/09/2013 06:12 BST

Six Reasons I Hate Food Markets...

Blame it on the sun... it's brought out my inner curmudgeon. But on a gorgeous summer's day like today, I couldn't think of anything worse than hitting up a food market in London.

Tongue slightly in cheek, here are the six reasons why I'm staying away...

1/ Artisan coffee vendors - Yes, I need a coffee. Yes, I would like a 'nice' one, I find Starbucks bland and incipid. However, I don't really give a flying one exactly where the bean comes from. Nor do I want a lecture on the history of the particular farmer who grew it. And frankly when I get to the front of the (very slow moving, you little perfectionist you) queue to find you 'disagree' with my partners request for skimmed milk or refuse to tend my hangover an extra shot because it'll damage the 'balance' of your beverage I find it a little tedious. I. Just. Want. A. Coffee. And I'm putting up with the sort of preparation I'd expect from a £15 cocktail. It costs how much for a pair of lattes? Damn.

2/ The £9 burger boys - it's the same van I see outside Crystal Palace Football Ground, with the same staff I see outside Crystal Palace Football Ground. But you've slapped a slightly wonky graphic of a rare breed cow on the side, bought a ton of whole grain 'artisan' rolls and added a fiver to the price. And no, I'm not going to pay an extra 'paand' for braised heritage onions or authentically fake American cheese. And if you come near my slightly sorry looking bap with guacamole then I will get very angry...

3/ the Cheddar vultures - oh sorry, it's me getting between you and your umpteenth piece of free Cheddar? I do apologise, that'll teach me for having the temerity to try and buy something... Why do you never buy anything? Oh yes, because it's six times the price of any other shop and you'd rather scavenge for your lunch...

4/ street food that isn't street food - just because it's ethnic doesn't mean I have to stand in the drizzle / burning sun trying to work out how to eat it from a rapidly dissolving, recycled paper plate. We weren't the only culture that sits down to eat, though we might be the only culture to have evolved past that point to charge people over the odds for something inedible that will end up smeared over their beard or in a bin.

5/ Hipsters

6/ Vegetables that aren't vegetables - I get that they're fresh, is that why they're still covered in mud? And that they're so stunted and weird I'll have to cut 2 thirds of it away. Is that because they're organic? Or because you can't grow vegetables fit for human consumption in a Dalston roof garden?

Disagree? Let me know why...

Agree? What else gets your goat about them?