20/02/2015 09:32 GMT | Updated 18/04/2015 06:59 BST

Twenty Thoughts on 'Fifty Shades of Grey' the Movie

The Fifty Shades of Grey adaptation was bound to generate a lot of controversy. If you've seen the film or don't want to read any potential spoilers, then perhaps best go somewhere else. For those that have seen the movie, or just don't care, here are some of my observations on the most talked about film of the year.

  • One: The amazing Rita Ora is sadly barely in it. She has about two lines, and the second one was unintelligible.
  • Two: Jamie Dornan (Grey) looks a lot like Andrew Garfield. Take note casting agents looking for a new Spidey.
  • Three: It reminded me of The Thomas Crown Affair remake, a game of sexual cat and mouse complete with dreamy glider sequence.
  • Four: I wished Anastasia had become more prepared for that interview in the first few minutes. Yes, she might have been filling in for a friend, but her lack of preparation really bugged me. Imagine Mark Addy commenting on Jennifer (Flashdance) Beals' welding in The Full Monty and you get the idea of how I felt.
  • Five: Part of the interview reminded me of Superman: The Movie. If Christian had picked Anastasia up and flown off into the sky it would not have surprised me.
  • Six: This is probably the raunchiest A list movie to be seen on the big screen since Basic Instinct in 1992. It also has the same effect of scoffing a chilli.
  • Seven: That soundtrack is fabulous. The OST is bound to shift millions of units in the coming weeks, though if someone has an idea how to get Ellie Goulding's track out of my head I'm all ears.
  • Eight: The NHS had better be ready for a baby boom in November. It's that sort of a movie.
  • Nine: There's no end of visual double entendres. Such as Christian Grey has got an amazing chopper. The fact he can fly himself is an added bonus.
  • 10: I guarantee millions will a) like the wallpaper (with a caged bird) in Anastasia's 'Recovery' room; b) wonder if they sell it in Next and c) if it's cheaper online.
  • 11) Why does Christian get rid of Anastasia's Volkswagen Beetle and replace it with a really dull generic car? Is it because he is such a controlling freak, or does he have no sense for quirky cars that reflect a woman's individuality?
  • 12) It's based on Twilight fan fiction, which you probably already knew, but did you know that when Christian taps Anastasia on her derriere, it seems she has an internal buttock speaker that activates Beyonce? Technology these days!
  • 13) That ending will leave a lot of cinemagoers tutting into their popcorn as they realise they have to wait an age for the inevitable sequel. And no doubt the final book will be split into two so that filmmakers can generate even more cash.
  • 14) That ending also might have been better with the EastEnders drumbeats.
  • 15) The scene where Anastasia goes through Grey's complicated contract would have been a lot less interesting if it was the iTunes agreement for her new Mac.
  • 16) The film is surprisingly funny. However, it might have been a lot funnier with the Benny Hill theme played over the top.
  • 17) The row of girls in front of me who thought it was fine to spend half the movie on Facebook really bugged me.
  • 18) QR codes are really handy for getting into a screen without having to mention the film's name to the attendant.
  • 19) Callum Keith Rennie (Anastasia's dad) wouldn't tell me a thing about the movie when I interviewed him last year. Fair enough. He has one scene at a party in case you're interested. Never has such a dull aspect about an actor's role in a film been so closely guarded.
  • 20) Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but Anastasia almost being knocked down by a literally vicious cycle marks the beginning of another personal one.

    This is also one of the most unintentionally hilarious scenes in the film. It's up there with>Anakin's seduction of Amidala in Attack of the Clones, but thankfully there is no cheesy dialogue about how Christian doesn't like sand because it's coarse. Though given his predilections he probably loves sandpaper, and luckily for him Anastasia works in a hardware store. I wonder if he bothers with a Nectar card?