11/02/2015 06:02 GMT | Updated 12/04/2015 06:59 BST

"Bees don't lie" - 'Jupiter Ascending': The Review

Popular culture has taught us many things about right and wrong over the years. We have learned that Bucks Fizz's camera never lies, and neither do Shakira's hips. Now, thanks to the glorious bonkersness that is Jupiter Ascending and Sean Bean, we discover that bees never lie either.

The latest movie from the Wachowski siblings is full of amazing lines such as that. Sadly, it is also full of absolute clunkers. If the talented double act need anything it's a good script editor, but it seems they are the only two people in this multi million dollar production who had any idea of what was going on.

This in a nutshell is the plot: Mila Kunis is a drop dead gorgeous half Russian/Chicago cleaner. One day, her friend with rock hard abs who likes to parade around in her underwear is assaulted by diaphanous aliens.

Mila, a.k.a. the brilliantly named Jupiter Jones, takes a photo, but the split second she has she completely forgets all about it. We the audience are left wondering why she's not reacted at all.

Her scumbag relative wants her eggs harvested so he can make money, and is gracious enough that she gets a lesser cut.

Jupiter wants to buy a telescope that her dad had once owned, before he is shot dead by muggers.

So she agrees to her relative's idea and goes in to have the operation.

However, the doctors carrying out the procedure are actually aliens in disguise. But before they can execute their nefarious plans, half dog man Channing Tatum flies in on jet boots and defeats them. I am not making this up.

Then, in a scene reminiscent of the first Terminator movie, Tatum explains the bulk of the plot to an understandably bemused Jupiter.

Mila spends a lot of this movie in that state. Many people would probably be gobsmacked, screaming at the top of their lungs, or just in denial about the whole extraordinary enterprise. However, Kunis looks like she's watching a magician who has just pulled a rabbit out of a hat, something she has probably seen 100 times before.

They go off to see Stinger (Sean Bean adding necessary gravitas to the movie).

Because bees never lie, we realise that Mila/Jupiter is a queen destined for great things.

In the hour or so that follows, Eddie Redmayne pops up as a posh intergalactic member of some royal dynasty... or something.

As this is a Wachowski siblings movie, it turns out that a malevolent race are obsessed once more with harvesting humans for their own ends. Talk about The Matrix... Reloaded.

The last time I saw Redmayne on screen was a few weeks earlier in The Theory of Everything, a movie that upset and affected me so much I could barely speak for the first 10 minutes afterwards. I really couldn't believe this is the same actor.

His performance as Stephen Hawking was one of the most stunning turns I've ever seen. Here he delivers a massive ham and cheese sandwich of a performance with extra filling, while egg drips from his face.

For the most part, Jupiter Ascending is a lot of fun and a feast for the eyes; Michael Giacchino's bombastic score accentuates the action, and the special effects are often superb.

I could have done with out the obvious homage to Terry Gilliam's Brazil. It's no coincidence that he appears in a cameo; the filmmakers also reference Central Services - the company at the heart of his movie, as well as the integral 27B/6 form.

I could have also done with out the animal human hybrids such as the space pilot with the head of an elephant and lizard men who look like refugees from the Super Mario Bros movie.

I'd be amazed if this didn't feature heavily in the next Razzie awards. The scene in the finale where a key character's wings unfurl is one of the most laughable I've witnessed in a major film over the past 12 months.

However, the filmmakers deserve full marks for effort, even though the result was flawed.

I would have also changed that title to Jupiter Descending (and Asking Lots of Questions) as Mila spends most of the time screaming in freefall.