Whilst sober dancing is a challenge, surely a sober stag or hen do is the ultimate alcohol-free Everest. Having survived and thrived during a few stags, here are my top tips.
Let's be honest, these events are pretty much about getting annihilated and making complete fools of yourselves. The trick to enjoying the stag or hen, and still have everyone think you are a legend, is to plan.
Some will have no idea that you're not drinking. It's possible that some of them might not even come if they heard that there would be a teetotaller aboard, taking notes. I know I wouldn't have. But don't worry. There's a plan.
Shots
For every shot they take, you will take a shot of lime cordial. It's absolutely rank and you will get a massive high from all the sugar. Make a point of showing a disgusted face. If lime cordial isn't your thing, make it something equally horrid. The point is that you are telling the crew that you are still suffering.
Flagging? Have another Red Bull. This is no time for weakness. And don't you dare be the first one back to the hotel. If anything, be the last.
Dancing
Let yourself go. Who are you to be so worried about what others think? You're hardly going to be outed by the Paparazzi in OK magazine. Let your arms go, sing if you have to. Flirt a bit.
You are a legend. And a sober one too.
Orchestrate their drunkenness
The reason I was so successful at the party was because I was seriously good at getting people wasted. So don't change that. Be the first person to call out 'Shots!'
Buy a bottle of something to shot on the plane and be the naughty one passing it around - even bring the shot glasses, take a hip flask. The guys will absolutely LOVE you. They'll hate you in the morning, but who cares? It's a stag/hen! Your poor partner will just have to put up with your breath smelling of lime for the next six months.
From experience, a number of things will happen during a stag/hen do:
1. You will be cornered, quietly and individually, by everyone asking how you stopped, how you feel, and why you are doing it. Everyone wants a break, but nobody wants to admit it.
2. Be prepared to put up with herding sheep all night, with people repeating themselves, getting lost and losing stuff. Sort them all out. They won't have a bad word to say about you once you've found their stuff, helped them home or listened to their life stories.
3. You will wake up feeling amazing and proud that you didn't drink, but you could have a massive sugar crash. Bring enough paracetamol for everyone and be loved even more.
4. The opposite sex will seek you out. There is something about being sober, later on. You're standing upright, your face doesn't look like you're having a stroke, and that seems to make you attractive to the opposite sex. Enjoy the attention, you legend!
Get the plan from the organiser early on and say that you can help make it all go smoothly if you know the score. Being the organiser or helping organise will undoubtedly give you social kudos, and you'll know when to back off because you'll be sober.
A sober weekend in Berlin for a stag was one of the best things I've ever done. So, plan well, read up about some drinking games, take the (red) bull by the horns and be awesome!
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