26/05/2015 06:00 BST | Updated 25/05/2016 06:59 BST

The Five Basic Rules of Being a Woman

Girls these days would be forgiven for being confused on what to do to qualify their existence. Luckily the 21st Century manual on "How to Become a Woman" is regularly updated by the honorary guardians of us womenfolk; so these five simple rules will help you up-and-comers breeze through life without a hitch.

1. Wear heels. ALWAYS wear heels no matter how uncomfortable. Beauty knows no pain. It has been scientifically proven that the arch of the female foot when dressed in a pump or stiletto is directly proportional to her womanhood. Flats are an obscene abomination to femininity. Did you know that Christian Louboutin and Nicholas Kirkwood have a secret ballot where they vote on who will be barred from the female union? This is known as the "Cannes Law", circ May 2015.

2. Allow society to dictate your insecurities, especially when it comes to your body. If you come to accept any of your "imperfections" as a unique aspect of your character make-up, this is wrong. Just, so wrong. Hang your head in shame and stare at those Birkenstocks you're probably wearing. Everyone knows you need permission to be happy with who you are and the level of confidence you exude. This is known as the "Contour with Kylie Law", circ March 2015.

3. Always ask for permission for the choices you make for your own body. It's particularly important that approval is sought from members of the opposite sex. It's an honor to relinquish all control of your physicality. And who doesn't want a man governing her gonad? This is known as the "Not too Bright Law", circ May 2015.

4. Categorize. Categorize. Categorize. We label our clothes, our hairstyles, even our body shape so marginalization is just a natural progression of this. Put down the books and form your identity through the perspective of others. Michelle Obama did not follow this rule when she campaigned alongside her husband in the Presidency race and look at the scrutiny she received going against the rules of the manual. This is madness! This is Sparta! Introducing the "Stepford Wives Law", circ April 2008

5. Limit yourself to the ceiling; don't aim for the sky particularly when it comes to your career. You are irrelevant in many industries. There are so few women represented in advertising, film, technology and this is a great thing. This gives you more time to expand your list of insecurities, buy more patent heels and spend quality time liaising with your male consult on what to do with your vagina. P.S Life ends at 35 years old and your beauty (as well as your intellect) immediately expires; this is known as the "Rebel without a Valid Cause Law", circ May 2015.

So remember ladies, follow these simple rules or society will revoke your female license, you won't be able to practice it and you'll be stuck in gender limbo for the rest of your life. Gotta love being a woman of the 21st Century.