THE BLOG
02/12/2013 06:16 GMT | Updated 31/01/2014 05:59 GMT

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth

On my wish lists each year, sometimes every six months depending on how things are going, 'Hollywood teeth' always feature along with the ususal suspects: some rock hard abdominals, a book deal, and a Cartier Love bracelet, one must dream.

I am surrounded by people with glorious teeth who are oblivious to the fact that each they flash their naturally five star nashers, a little part of me dies. My flatmate's are sickeningly perfect, my best friend's laugh at me in their arrogance of divine each time she smiles, and lately I have become transfixed by the teeth of actors in movies rather than the scene; I'm reaching a fever pitch of enamel envy, and I don't do envy.

On my wish lists each year, sometimes every six months depending on how things are going, 'Hollywood teeth' always feature along with the ususal suspects: some rock hard abdominals, a book deal, and a Cartier Love bracelet, one must dream. Recently though my teeth, in particular my front two star crossed lovers, have been pushed to the forefront of my mind for two reasons: my friends are ALL getting work done, and my recent brush with TV broadcasting. Okay, so they are not that bad, they are a nice white with a little over crowding on the lowers, but the front two overlap giving me a side profile that would make any director shout "Next!" I am not, red carpet worthy.

It is my own stupid teenage fault too. I was an avid thumb sucker from the minute a popped out of the womb, and I flatly refused to wear the plates given to me by an unsympathetic denist who never liked me from the off. I am also incredibly resilient to anesthetic; one syringe in and I can feel everything, a second syringe - still can. NO ONE believes me, but will ask, "Why are you flinching?" BECAUSE I CAN FEEL IT YOU F***! So lets just say, the dentist chair and I have a Taylor Burton of relationships. I did however find a wonderful dentist once who 'got me' and we did some fabulous work together: numerous white fillings, a pro whitening treatment, and even a root canal with three syringes of dope was a success. But the straightening just never happened, mainly because I live on peanuts, and partly because each time I do have an amount of money worth more than a big Tesco's shop, I want to go to New York.

My years as a singer were always tinged with a slight stage panic anytime I had an audience either side of me; my front toothed overlap and unscupltured chin/neck bulge (which I have discovered I can suck the fat out of for a mere 3K, it's on the list) were enough to make me feel more self conscious than a Z lister gatecrashing the front row at fashion week, awkward. When I dabbled in acting, I couldn't tell if I was any good as I was too busy watching the light reflect off my sticky-out-front-one, and the lowers looking like they trying to break out of jail. I even pulled a Gwyneth Platrow v Vanity Fair on one interview I did which appeared on YouTube and demand they remove it ASAP. They probably thought I was a total bitch, but the reality was my pixie crop hair mixed with wonky teeth that were giving me nightmares: alt delete, relax.

Fast forward to today, and as I writer my teeth are not any editors concern, ah! The relief. However, fate recently intervened and I was back on camera again as I was asked to interview a celebrity for a TV channel. I was off camera, but as I was a hit the crew suggested I think about filming a series of interviews for them. My first response? "What about these?" As I tapped my two front teeth "Need to go Hollywood," A massive laugh from the crew followed of course - but I was deadly serious. It was bad enough being outed on YouTube so actual TV? No way, it's Hollywood or nothing. A collection of close friends are all having the invisalign treatment too, it's like someone making out with your partner in front of you: AGNONY! They have the funds, damn them! Plus none of them have the crossroads situation going on like I do, and their comfort is to tell me "Your teeth give you character!" YOU KNOW, I THINK I HAVE ENOUGH. Character my arse. The possible promise of daytime TV and the fact that every single one of my friends are on the way to winning a dental Oscar, has indeed awoken a fire in me to have an unbelievably lucrative 2014, if ONLY for the dental plan. Believe, receive, and smile.