29/07/2013 08:26 BST | Updated 25/09/2013 06:12 BST

Chub Rub v Hoof: Summer YAY!



Here are my lovely lower legs ready for the summer heat that has at last reached London. Glossy and proudly pale, they march around town like the cat that got the cream, covered only by a vintage floral maxi from time to time. Ah! This feels good, sun, heat, light, everyone's happy, but wait - something feels wrong, painful, oh no - it's upper thigh chub rub, f**k. The bitch is back to ruin my summer fun just because I don't have Alexa like thighs, I am set to suffer this disease a la chubby yet again. I do love the heat and have traveled the globe without a hint of friction, but for some reason only in London does the chub rub attack. I think it's nature's way of letting us know that London is simply not meant to be thigh rubbing hot, at least not me anyway. No one can know the utter hell that has broken out and pledged war on my meaty parts, but let me tell you - this s**t is raw! Every time I pop on a sundress and hit the streets - chub rub attacks. Luckily, I have some Lanacane Anti Chaffing gel in stock and it does create a little chub barrier, but after a while, it's back.

The sexiness of summer is not quite hitting me this year as a) I'm sill trying to shift 10 kilos and b) my broken pinky toe has halted all exercise for the last two months. Still! Thank god for Femfresh, another gift from the gods for between your thighs in the summer. I never leave home without it, not that I'm honky, I just love to spray it each time I pee: it's like a mouthwash for your fanny, heaven. My handbag is a whole lot of sexiness right now; Miranda may have Kora face mist, lip balm and Miu Miu's but I'm rocking Lanacane, Femfresh AND my Miu Miu's this summer.

The pain of the chafe lifts instantly once you sit down or spread em, but the rash lasts a while: enter another loyal friend, Sudo crème. I love this little fellow, I used to rub into an ex boyfriend's butt each time he had pimples, happy memories there. After a week of chub rub I decide leggings are the answer. I love leggings, easy to wear, covering a multitude of lower body sins and sleek black always looks good. Teamed up with a plain Chelsea boot, loose low armpit tee by Ragged Priest with studded shoulders and sunglasses, I look like I'm in The Matrix - uber cool and slightly butch. I'll wear them on my down days and bring out the dresses for social days to keep the chub rub to a minimum. And yet as soon as opt for possible camel toe over measles of the thigh, I hit another annoyance: the hoof pervert. Lurking on every corner is a man transfixed by a hint of hoof. Why are they not eyeballing the fit chick denim cut offs - look at that flesh?! No, they would rather stare at the bulls eye between the thighs of a rash infested overheated butch looking me, whatever flips your switch, but I don't know any women who pulls on leggings for sex appeal. They are for comfort, cleaning and popping to Tesco Local. However, in this heat I think we are all past caring about perverts or rashes and I am just one sweat away from sticking a Calippo between my thighs to cool the situation down, obviously in private, imagine?

Happy sweats London! X