27/10/2015 08:08 GMT | Updated 23/10/2016 06:12 BST

Don't Touch the Bunnies - They Bite

Last weekend, I read Camilla Long's Playboy diatribe with disappointment and yes, let's make it a double D - disgust.

While I wouldn't bat a heavily lashed eyelid at her critique of a global brand, Camilla didn't stop there - Camilla got personal. "Blimey, they look tired," she began, "the staff look like nursing home assistants who have ended up in a casino by mistake."

Ever worked shifts, Camilla? Ever done over time 'til seven in the morning, then taken public transport home, attempted to sleep while Satan's arse spawn screamed outside your window, then headed back to work for another fifteen fun-packed hours?

Let's see. According to Wikipedia, you went to Oxford High School, where your school fees cost more than many people earn in a year. So I'd hazard a guess that while there might be days you've worked "late," you've never had to catch two night buses home.

According to Camilla, the problem with Playboy is that it's "hard, charmless and unsexy." She describes a Bunny's voice as "cold." You don't need a doctorate in psychology to know that people project their insecurities onto others. Are you worried that you're cold, hard, charmless and unsexy, Camilla? Michael Fassbender thought so, didn't he? He said he wouldn't touch you with a barge pole.

But why am I bothered? Well actually, I was a Bunny at Playboy Club London. I worked as a croupier dealing roulette, blackjack, poker and punto banco in London casinos for over ten years. I loved my job - but the downside was being treated as target practise by people who wanted to take out their anger on someone who could neither answer back nor walk away. Camilla takes this a step further, by slagging off the staff in print and online, describing them as "drooping" and "plastic," knowing they'll have no recourse for redress.

Camo spends the majority of the article quoting herself from a previous piece she's written about Playboy. She is very pleased with describing Kendra Wilkinson as having "squeezy-cheese hair" and rolls this out again for anyone who missed it the first time. Reading this article is like watching a dog eat and regurgitate its own shit.

Finally quoting someone other than herself, Coprophagic Camilla tells us her mate complained that: "None of them looks comfortable." Hmmm - perhaps they've noticed your blatant hostility towards them? "None of them is smiling," continues Camo's mate, who pines for a spot of scaffolding from which to caterwaul: "Cheer up darling! Give us a smile!"

If the plebby public could rock up at Camo's desk when they liked, would they never find her wilting? Or would her Lego locks be ever buoyant? Cami berates the "square boobs" of the Bunnies, describing them as, "square slabs of chilly jelly." Perhaps Camsy needs to work on her shapes. It's alright Camilla, everyone's clever at different things. Alicia Duvall is still learning her shapes too.

Shitty customers are the scourge of the service industry and casino clientele can be especially abusive. We've all heard far worse than the bitter bollocks in this article, but it really wasn't warranted, was it, Camilla? I'm glad I wasn't one of the Bunnies whose picture you used to draw the reader's eye to your article. Next time you want to take a pop at Playboy, keep it professional. Don't touch the Bunnies.


Sorry I'm a bit late off the mark with this - I've been busy trying to shoehorn my square breasts into a bra.