09/02/2016 12:50 GMT | Updated 09/02/2017 05:12 GMT

Oscars 2016: Nine Amazing Ways Nominees Could Change the World With Their Goody Bags

Vibrators. Vampire breast lifts. Walking tours of Japan. The goody bags for this year's Oscars attendees are insanely amazing. Like, worth $200,000 amazing.

We're talking cars, first class holidays and lifetime supplies of something called Lizora. Bam! Take that every other goody bag that's ever existed.


Do those guys really want all that stuff? They've probably got the best vibrators money can buy, boobs to die for and been on all the top walking tours already. Also another goody bag? Just add it to the super massive, awards season pile.


For attendees reading this (because obviously they are) thinking, "OMG, this is so me", here's what you can do: insist the $200,000 value of your goody bag is donated to people in need instead.

I know, I know - it's a crazy idea, but hear me out...

If the 121 nominees requested the value of their goody bags went to charity, it would raise $24million (at least) instantly.

And with that cash they could...

1. Cover the $13.8million needed to fund Unicef's response to Zika.

2. Send 5581395 solar lights to the 598million people in Africa living without electricity.

3. Help Great Ormond Street Hospital pay its £90million annual bill to stay open and treating kids.


4. Ensure 279,069 refugee families have food.

5. Provide warm clothes for 521,739 Syrian child refugees.

6. Pay for 923,076 toy-filled shoeboxes to be sent to children in need.

7. Buy mosquito nets for 3,333,333 people at risk of malaria in Gambia.


8. Cover the cost of 85,7142 hours of nursing care for cancer patients.

9. Build 6000 classrooms for children across Africa.

Helping people - so much nicer and less painful than a breast lift. Now, obviously I get it - this is blue sky ridiculousness and never going to happen. But wouldn't it be cool if it did?