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WARNING: This is jam-packed with The Great British Bake Off spoilers because, well, it's all about The Great British Bake Off.
Well. I mean. The suspense. Right? Who could it be? Open game. Anyone could take it.
Enter Prue and her Bhutanese time difference, projecting the winner forth just before lunchtime BST.
As the press reported:
'No one told me judging a #gbbo final would be so emotional. I wanted them all to win. Bravo ___'
Bake Off has some serious social power. The tweet was swiftly removed, apparently without a trace (bar a few speedy snapshotters), and all online articles - I saw, anyway - were censored.
Even. The Daily. Mail.
Yep the same folks of 'Brexit... Legs-It'. The same people who give Katie Hopkins a wage and platform to spew vitriol. But revealing the winner of Bake Off? Oh no. That's too far. They've got standards.
'In the beginning there were 12... now there are three.'
It's the final!
Signature - 12 loaves - 4 intricate, 4 flavoured, 4 alternative grain (e.g. hipsters like spelt or buckwheat)
If you're interested in baking your own bread, watch this. The in-depth description of the different loaves' various proving times will put you off.
Technical - ginger biscuits with intricate icing (oval- and square-shaped - because cookie cutters are the tricky bit of baking)
Showstopper - entremet - 'the most unforgiving final in Bake Off history' - sweet Jesus. These people need therapy, they have serious little brother syndrome to their Big Bro BBC.
It was an interesting choice for the final showstopper. In the past they've had to make a tonne of mini pastries, each with different fillings etc. This cake felt a bit repetitive, as they all had to make the same one cake.
The love in that tent was palpable. Noel and Sandi couldn't look as Steve finished his pristine showstopper in the last second. Sandi was crying. For reals though.
I wonder if these two were hired because of their emotional connection to bakers, or if that followed after. Either way, they are living and breathing this shit.
'The three time star baker fought his way to the final'
Did he? I'd say more a leisurely stroll. Who says a cheery 'Good luck guys' before a GBBO final? Really? Who? A cocky liar, that's who.
Prue got weirdly serious when it came down to his Winston knot signature loaf. 'Yes' she sprung in 'it's got three strands.' I know all about knots, I tie them all the time, I wear them around my neck.
Steve has gone for the ol' reverse tactic, whereby you save all your worst bakes for last. Good one, lad. He did seem to have a genuine anxiety attack during the showstopper in fairness, turning away from his worktop to take some deep breaths. He knew he'd lost it. When Kate's doing better than you, you know you've fucked up.
He needs to work on his gracious loser face, he looked physically sick after Sophie's perfect showstopper.
Her 'thing' is to find ingredients no one's ever heard of that taste really nice. Wow, what a talent. Or is it just that she has no idea how to make ingredients we all know, taste better or new? I miss Liam.
She's doing a masters in Occupational Health and Safety. Seems like the perfect match for her, from what we've seen. You know, it's that course famed for its rich culture, history and heritage.
Her dad got a bit teary when telling a story of this time when he got a bit teary. Bless.
Although she could be seen as the weakest of the three, she nailed the signature. Leading Hollywood to attempt impregnation by his sky blue peepers.
This kind of TV magic is cause to crack out the bird's eye view cam - well worth the Dr Oetker money.
Her technical was an unfinished 'disassster'. She may well have felt like she shouldn't have been there. Cos that's what the rest of us were thankin'.
But her showstopper was pretty darn chic and tasted equally impressive, so she could've still been in for the running (if you hadn't read Prue's tweet, that is).
Normally the family-background fillers are all a bit cringe and forced. Everyone's very aware of how unnatural it all is. However with this one, it shed light on Sophie's amazing achievements and drive. Also, she wears PJs to Tesco, so if that's not relatable I don't know what is.
Where has this Sophie been all series? She's never seemed more comfortable, chuckling away to herself and partaking in some casual yoga.
At one point she placed a ginger biscuit to her cheek. Maybe to check the temperature, I don't know. Touch could be seen as a positive element of fingers, but she went for it anyway.
Sophie's always talked us through each round and known exactly when something needs mixing, freezing, and any other whim the bake wishes. She became our new Ms. Perfect, saying her perfect oval was 'probably close enough'.
Yeah, they'll do.
Paul was utterly perplexed by her Showstopper flavours: lavender, lemon, and honey. Makes complete sense to me. If it can work in a shower gel, it will work in a cake. That's my failsafe rule of thumb. Big fan of charcoal and mint at the mo.
It was a flawless thing, and couldn't not win really.
So... Sophie's our winner!
'To come up with that entreme in the final bake? I was really shocked by the standard', says judge Paul.
Wow - what a worthy champion!
Finally, at the end we were treated to the usual tea party, complete with the kid pencil rolling in the background (every year).
Wasn't a huge fan of her bf running in and kissing her during her applause. Let the woman get her moment - jeeze.
'Yeah. It's pretty mega.'
Those. Those are the final words of our winner.
Slightly underwhelming, to say the least.
Re-watch Nadiya's win for some real emotional pizazz.
And now for the best bit of any show...
Since Bake Off
Peter is developing a blog Ah wow Mr that's impressive! A baking blog?! We need more of those in the world, that's for sure. So hard to develop one too. You have to do it all from scratch these days, templates are impossible to find.
Christ has mastered fortune cookies Because, remember? That time... ya know. The time when he couldn't make fortune cookies. Yeah he's achieved nothing of relevance or note thanks to this show.
James has planned an artisan tour of Essex Cool, cool. Are we talking a duration of about two or three... minutes?
Yan and Julia went on a road trip to visit Flo They did karaoke in the car (definitely not Carpool Karaoke) miming into utensils. Yan is all about those viral clicks.
Stacey's obsession with pink has reached new levels What the hell can that mean? The press have since spilled that the woman's married to a bloody millionaire. So should could well have bought Bake Off.
I'm sorry. The two finalists' story is that they're now friends and are going on holiday together? Where are the cafes? Where are the cook books? Where's the winner's painfully-obvious success compared to everyone else?
And this, they say, was the best Bake Off to date?