23/08/2016 13:03 BST | Updated 24/08/2017 06:12 BST

The Great British Bake Off: And So It Begins...

Us Bake Off viewers are wholesome folk. We dismiss consumer-driven ploys, shallow values, and image-obsessed attitudes. On that note, let's judge people from a photographer-directed pose, a stylist-picked outfit, and a (most likely) ghost-written bio.

Ian West/PA Showbiz

All images owned by the BBC

After a cold and lonely (already revealing too much about myself in this blog) year without The Great British Bake Off, it's back!

Quick shout out to Nadiya who is absolutely nailing life at the moment.


Firstly, thank god we're not moving to ITV or Ch4. It united the nation as we realised everyone loathed the idea of ads.

Us Bake Off viewers are wholesome folk. We dismiss consumer-driven ploys, shallow values, and image-obsessed attitudes.

On that note, let's judge people from a photographer-directed pose, a stylist-picked outfit, and a (most likely) ghost-written bio.

Val is such a sort.


She can make the classics with her eyes closed and enjoys 'searching the internet'.

I'm a fan of anyone who 'searches the internet'. And also anyone who 'texts'.

She 'can often be found doing aerobics in her kitchen whilst she waits for her jam to boil or her bread to prove'. Val is our Jane Fondant! (soz)

Benjamina is a babe.


She started baking for jokes and likes a modern twist. Finally.

She's so 2k16 following online caking trends none of us even knew existed.

She can pull off the name Benjamina.

A hint of perfectionist about her, which could get annoying, but she has great brows, so it's fine.

Candice is fab.


She's got pug-naming skills: Dennis.

She grew up in pubs her parents ran like some kind of Oliver Twist rapscallion. (They were probably lovely establishments, just trying to up the ante.)

She's worn-in heels whilst baking.

She could be a dresser try-hard with her bold lip... let's hope her florentines don't suffer for her fashion.

Jane is giving Val a run for her money.


A bit cheeky with 'her leopard print apron in the kitchen' and getting up at 5am to bake bread like the raver she is.

Her 'nemeses' are ciabatta and macarons. If your two worst nightmares in life are a dense bread roll and a meringue sweet, you're doing alright.

Kate is a sweetie.


Getting deep for a mo, I think the female bios were very male-orientated. Kate's intro is as a mother and a farmer's daughter.

Errrm having a farmer as a dad really isn't noteworthy...

Unless it's Kevin Costner circa Field of Dreams.

She's a Brownie leader! When you're a kid it's the coolest, and once you're an adult it's kinda like 'your own spare time? Unpaid? With kids?'. But each to their own and what a lovely citizen.

She tries to 'maintain her bright and cheery disposition' if things go wrong which doesn't sound entertaining at all. Pity.

Lee is lovely.


He suffered a back injury whilst playing cricket with his son (love the specific memory there, that son is not his fave) and discovered baking.

'He was very proud when his grandson took a photo of a cake he'd made to send to his girlfriend.' BLESS. (Also, huh?)

'He doesn't tend to veer too far from the norm but does enjoy a taste of the exotic every now and again.' Just like his women.

Louise is a potench sly one.


Louise kind of seems like that one person at work who's really good at baking, so nothing outrageously #winner about her, but she could be our underdog.

Michael is in there.


One of our non-British-heritage bakers so will sail through the first three weeks at least.

Baking far from the judge's know-go area is a gift. His Cypriot-inspired shortbreads can run free. I'm predicting a lot of sticky baklava-types.

Rav is a family man.


He volunteers for charities including Victim Support, so I can't really say anything mean about him or I'll go to hell.

But I'm not sure the Beeb felt the same way:

'He thinks he has a good sense of flavour combinations'.

It's like a cyber 'just smile and nod'. Sure mate. Whatever you say you can do.

Selasi is an ogre.


'... [his] colleagues are often shocked by the delicate cupcakes he makes for their charity bake sales'.


'What large hands you have Selasi?! How did you bake such delicate cakes?!'

Does Selasi work with a collection of elves and gnomes?

The Beeb are back with their undermining:

'[he enjoys] taking to the open road with his mates in his own 'Sunday Motorbike Club'.'

Aww, how 'cute', Selasi likes to 'ride' his little 'motorbike' with his 'mates'. (How awkwardly aware was it that the BBC used 'mates'?)

Tom is a saucepot.


Tom and his wife 'make a real event out of every dinner time.'


He also 'enjoys making his own salami'.


He 'likes to surprise those he's feeding with unexpected ingredients.'

Not sure MBez and Paul will appreciate that.

Mentioning his 30kg weight loss seems completely irrelevant. He's probably just cruising to be the next Subway man or Weight Watchers guy.

Andrew is fine.


I mean. Straight A student, Cambridge uni, Aerospace engineer at Rolls Royce, be proud. 'Strives to make all his bakes look beautiful', calm yourself.

He has big plans to make a baguette concorde. Let's wait and see what MBez thinks of your savoury scones, sweet cheeks.

Until next time...

Bake Off returns on Wednesday 24th August at 8pm. WHAT WHAAAT.

Originally posted on The Bake Off Update