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WARNING: This is jam-packed with The Great British Bake Off spoilers because - well - it's all about The Great British Bake Off.
Originally posted on The Bake Off Update.
Is 'Tudor' born to be a Bake Off theme? Or was it just the BBC sound team trying to prove their eerie Potter-style plucking soundtrack was worth the money?
Signature - a display of shaped pies
Technical - jumble biscuits? I don't know what the word is and, to be honest, I'll never need it in the future, like studying geography
Showstopper - marzipan centre piece
And with a mundane showstopper, comes the ever thrilling lesson!
'Tudor's had what they called "banquets".'
Yep. Still used today.
I couldn't tell you what they were talking about, Mel doesn't even look interested herself.
The one good thing about this week's lesson was to see what our quadro-crew would wear while presenting/ judging Bake Off circa 1550. It's got to be the cinched waist jacket.
There were a few awkward moments when Paul was lingering around the bakers or trying to have some bants with Mary and you were just thinking "Oh just fuck off Paul!".
Paul: Exactly like me Mary, hard on the outside, soft in the middle.
Mary: And oozing with dirty money you greedy scumbag!
As ever, Mary is knocking the blazer game out of the park, however I did get that "nan, are you alright?" feeling after seeing her in her puffa.
The camera adds 10 pounds. A puffa adds a good four inches at every angle. And then you've got the 10 pounds added to the puffa. So our Mary is such a little petit fours.
As well as physically wavering, there was a point when Paul was waffling on and Mary wanted to get some Tudor out of her teeth. Basically just forgetting she was on camera...
I would not have wanted to be in the tent this week. Gelatin bubbling in pots, pigeon, guinea fowl - and that's just Selasi's cooking. Mel and Sue described his pie as "potent" and with "intense aromas". Fair enough that was mainly for Sue's rosemary in her nose gag, but still in Mel and Sue terms this means absolutely fricking disgusting.
He wasn't having the best of weeks (blow torching the base of his marzipan etc) and was always going to be in the bottom of the pack.
But still, he's just the same chilled, monotonous guy offering Mel a bribe for more time and, upon seeing being the only one who hasn't won star baker (which would flip some people out), has an added privilege to still be there.
Yet again, his decoration is insanely pretty. There's Jane banging on about being a landscaper, and she hasn't even brought in any fresh flowers to decorate?!
When it comes to decorating cakes and shit, this guy always maintains his masculinity. The tipped crown was eeeverything.
As well as Selasi's tipped hat ticking the younger audience's boxes, Benny was going all out with "they look sick" and "they're taking long". This is surely any BBC editor's wet dream. Next, the writing beside the cake diagrams will be in hip-hop graffiti.
I like the fact she did a Mexican pie for Tudor week. Take that Paul, with your chocolate bread and almond pesto. Queen Liz definitely watches, and now you've taken her heritage and slapped it around the face with refried beans and guacamole.
From the off it wasn't her week, giving us a worryingly easy maze-ipan (thanks) and under-baking her technical. She gave us a bit of a Joey Tribbiani gracious loser face during Candice's successful showstopper, nat impressed.
He was incredibly entertained by using a pestle and mortar, considering, ya know, he cooks things a lot.
To his credit, this dark horse provided us with the series' first "holy shit, that's incredible" moment (aka the reason we watch GBBO) with his spinning cog pie display. For this moment to arrive once we're with our final five, shouts volumes of the contestant calibre this year. But nonetheless, good job sir.
Similarly to last week, after knowing he did well, he got a bit cocky boasting that he hadn't succumbed to the star baker curse yet.
But how the mighty fall, our rosy faced laddy panicked during his showstopper, couldn't caramelise for shit, and slowly but surely lost his lead.
I used to think she plays up to the camera, but now I'm just thinking she's unnaturally comfortable on screen, with her OTT plaiting stretches and exaggerated expressions.
I think Mel and Sue like her a lot too. She seems to have genuine lols with them, from having peacock for breakfast to impressions of Tudors with no teeth. Not patronising presenter bants you get with Stephen Mulhern (maybe that says more about our presenters than about her). Even MBez was getting in on it with her 'peacock sarnies' punchline. Good one.
She didn't do too well during the signature, with overfilling pies, but Mary did enjoy the oyster:
After her performance with those impractical pancake patterns you pour straight onto the pan, you knew she'd nail this technical. Then she went and topped off her week with an 'exceptional' showstopping peacock marzipan thing - with ruddy fresh blueberries inside.
She was moaning about how annoying her pies are to make - there is no one to blame but you Jane!
And she needs to just quit her job. Her decorating skills are getting worse and worse. When you saw the diagram of her aim for a showstopper, you just knew there was no way in hell she was creating that in time.
Jane was consoling Benj with: '"I did not expect it to be you, I really didn't", so you thought even the bakers thought Selasi was going. Then cut to Jane talking to the cam:
Jane: "I seriously thought I was going. I thought I was going"
Oh shut up Jane! You were never going!
As we reflect on the series so far, the bakers we've gained, the bakers we've lost, it's important to remember the triumphs we witnessed. Also, who the fuck was Lee?
Mel and Sue's best bits
- "As Thomas Cromwell famously said: bakers, your time is up..."
- "is it troubling your al dentures?"
- "That looks a bit hard that marzipan, oh no, that's wood"
- "People don't know this about me but I'm Britain's third best peacock impersonator [3rd best impersonator noise]"
Innuendos of the week
Until next time...