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WARNING: This is jam-packed with The Great British Bake Off spoilers because, well, it's all about The Great British Bake Off.
Originally posted on The Bake Off Update.
Oh Bake Off. Bake Off, Bake Off, Bake Off.
Bake Off, Bake Off, Bake Off, Bake Off, Bake Off.
There are no words. Which is a shame, for a blog.
For those of you who haven't heard (which if you haven't, the only plausible excuse would be a coma (in which case you're now out of the coma, welcome)) Bake Off has been sold to Channel 4 for one billion-fafillion-zababadabadoo-yen pounds, Mel and Sue are gone, Paul and Mary are likely to follow, and shit has hit the pan and it is caramelising.
The sad thing is, this show is obviously pre-recorded, so the players of our tale are none the wiser. They're plodding along as per with Mel and Sue being even more on point than usual, which just made it all the more sadder.
It was on our minds throughout the show:
'Am I going to have to get the lawyer involved again?' Sue asked Mel. Yes, you are Sue! Null those contracts and say goodbye to the free food. (The lawyer thing turned out to be a 'bit' about Mel not being legally allowed to touch Sue - classic.)
Signature - Yorkshire puds
Technical - lacy pancakes
Showstopper - churros - the one time a lesson would actually be interesting, and of course they skip it.
An unknown pastry from Lancashire? Let's give them 10 minutes and get Mel over there to talk to a 70 year old woman about what it was like to be a child during the boom of the said unknown pastry.
A Spanish doughnut thing that's really on-trend and everyone bloody loves? Let's not.
Paul was back with the incredibly huge knife working his way through potentially the softest of all food forms.
He was not a fan of Rav and Tom's savoury churros, yeah I agree with him actually, trying to flip something from sweet to savoury or vice versa is just plain wrong.
A bit like chocolate bread you fecking hypocrite!
Mary's face of the week
Other than that re:Mary, I wasn't much of a fan of referring to churros as 'impregnated'.
The BBC editors had some great moments this week:
Tom: I don't normally use too much sugar as otherwise it caramelises and cooks differently
Rav: I've used all the sugar
Kate: I won't flip my pancakes for anyone
Cut to Selasi flipping his pancakes like a fucking boss
It's fair to say that her Yorkshire puddings had the most annoying back story and title in Bake Off history.
'Kate's Christmas Dinner Compromise'
'My husband and I are very similar but he always had Yorkshire puddings, and I never did, so I'm baking these for marital harmony.'
Will Julia Roberts being playing you in the film?
Also, where's your end of the deal Kate?! Not much of a compromise.
(And you're literally being forced to make these by a TV show, so not much of a gesture for hubby either.)
Kate had a few too many annoying moments, like the bunny thing:
'Flopsy, Mopsy, Benjamin... they're all here.'
I feel for them, I really do.
'I've been saying all week "let's get battered!"'
And thank god that week is over.
She's an interesting baker in that sometimes she appears to be completely incapable, and then suddenly she's nailing it.
Nailing it. Every time. Just casually.
And then mixing a batter from scratch without a recipe?
Shocked, stumped, lost.
This is a mixture kids in nursery make to have a break from learning how to count to 10.
She's definitely a boy's girl, rather than a girl's girl.
'What does lace look like? I don't even have any lace pants.' I don't even own any pants. I don't even own any clothes. I don't even have a job. I'm homeless.
All the classic pick up lines.
I don't want to do this to my fave, but her churros did look like budget tampons. I won't continue to the chocolate ganache in this analogy...
She said she made very 'Jackson Pollock' lace and her churros did seem really doughy, but that's how she preferred them. She is the cutest, most optimistic baker.
Plus, whenever she mentions her family she absolutely beams. From ice cream her dad used to buy the fam, to chocolate orange being her children's' favourite flavour combo - adorbs!
She also reacted this way to hearing Yorkshire puddings had to look the same:
Had a great week and, yet again, just comes across as very easy going and non-annoying.
She made impressive puds and lace pancakes - just edging in front of Candice.
Jane is looking more and more tired as the weeks go on and openly admitted her Yorkshire skills are non-existent. In baking terms, she's on the brink. I don't know of what, but she's there.
It wasn't looking good, but Jane is undoubtedly the most consistent baker this year and pulled it back with Yorkshire flavours that made Paul orgasm and impressively uniform churros.
Her reaction to her churros success was waaaay too much.
He didn't have the best week, or a particularly entertaining one from our point of view. He chose to fill his Yorkshires with tofu and admitted it's an incredibly bland filling so you have to add loads of flavour from elsewhere. GREAT CHOICE THEN.
He got a right bitch slap from Paul with: 'You're normally good with your flavours?' Ouch.
Such a Bridget Jones-style jellyfish stinger.
I thought he was a goner, I really did.
His Yorkshires looked like blinis and just as Paul said the biggest mistake with a churros is putting too many in at the same time, he shares that his technique is to put as many in as pos at the same time.
He got a tip off 'from a friend' that you put mustard powder in a Yorkshire mix to get it looking yellow. Take your dodgy sources elsewhere Andrew, we don't want any trouble.
His face was getting progressively rosier and rosier as the ep went on.
Probs from all of his constipated piping where he was actually shaking. You can see the white of his knuckles in this pic - LOL.
Seeing our bakers deal with normal foods like chicken and veg is like seeing a celeb without make-up on in the daylight - strange, unsettling, and not right. But Selasi's crackling looked bloody delish.
Don't think we didn't notice your sly mention of a girlfriend, Paul and Candice will be heartbroken.
Selasi's face of week
Mel and Sue's best bits
- 'Five minutes left, and don't throw them, that's battery'
- 'Tutty byyyyes'
- Churros Kemp - and basically the entire churros intro and basically the entire show because they are irreplaceable - ya hear?!
Innuendos of the week
- 'Are you a tosser or a flipper? Tosser all the way'
- Candice's churros
- 'It's not quite as stiff as I would've liked' Kate
- 'A mouth full of it is enough' Andrew - I'ma take your word for it
- 'One lovely flick of the wrist and over it comes' Mel
Benjamina is star baker!
Kate is out!
And for those of you playing Bake Off Bingo at home, please come to the front to collect your prize for completing a full row.
The ridiculous statement more fitting of a Scorsese film
'Once it's in the oven, it's in the lap of the gods'
I've always hoped the gods were more concerned with Trump or tsunamis, but if they want to step in to ensure a set of Yorkshire puddings get an equal bake, then that's their business
Next week we will have a rest from The Bake Off Update as I will be in sunny Lisbon eating custard tarts for blog research purposes. So...
Until next, next time...