17/10/2011 19:53 BST | Updated 17/12/2011 05:12 GMT

Yes, Funny and Sexy Aren't Mutually Exclusive, but not in the way You Think, Stupid Article on the Internet

So. I was on the internet and saw a link to a terrible article (read it here, if you must). It's from a Fox entertainment website and the gist is that 'these days' women in comedy have to be fuckable to be funny. I was going to compose a response, but then I was suddenly all like, pffft, why bother? Responding to stupid things on the internet is just shooting shitty fish in a splintery barrel. Lines like

"People are realising that you don't have to have a penis to tell a joke about one!"
"For women, frump isn't funny any longer!"
are so elbow-chewingly moronic, I could just cut-and-paste those bits and just point at them, silently waggling my eyebrows. See?

Anyway, if I took their point seriously, I might inadvertently confirm the suspicion that women don't have a proper sense of humour, like what men do. Being, as we are, merely handbag-obsessed, perfumed fleshpots; our frail bodies a bewildering mess of eggs, tubes and some kind of hideous female-specific bacteria that can only be relieved with special tummy yoghurt. Oh you men with your X-boxes! Pshaw!

The only way to respond to antagonism like this is either A) with relentless positivity or B) pretend not to understand the criticism at all, just do a big metaphorical trump on their leg and run away giggling. So in the spirit of option A, I say, yes, stupid article! Funny and sexy are NOT mutually exclusive! That is totally a new and startling observation, 'Entertainment Expert' Patrick Wanis is probably a worth-ful human being, and to spoonerise his name would be unjustifiably childish!

And maybe Watrick Panis hasn't seen any good comedy before, so, in the spirit of constructive criticism, here is my top five TOTALLY sexy, ACTUALLY funny Wimmin's comedy moments which are sexy because they're funny, and funny because they're sexy, and don't make other women feel horrible or devalue humanity in any way. (for obvious reasons, some of the links below are Not Safe For Work. Wowowwee!)

  1. Jamie Lee Curtis's wabs in Trading Places. Jamie Lee Curtis's breasts in this film could not be perfect if she had three or four of them. Crucially, they are also hilarious in context, and establish character. No they really do.
  2. Kathleen Turner in the Man With Two Brains.Pitch-perfectly sexy and ludicrous at the same time, leaving Steve Martin (und uz, ze audienze az voyeurrr* ) with a diamond-hard erection you can hang your hat on. "Into the mud, scum queen!"
  3. That bit when Bob Hoskins stands up fast and bangs his head on Jessica Rabbit's boobs in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. More proof that blue-balls are intrinsically hilarious. A nebbish-y man hitting his head on a woman's breasts is funny enough anyway, because, you know, boooooooobs, and, indeed, boyoyoyoyoyng. But it's the fact Jessica barely registers it, like it happens to her all the time. "Tssh, not AGAIN".
  4. Jane Russell being sassy in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. Marilyn Monroe's character Lorelei Lee, though great, is - let's not mince words - a common prostitute. Meanwhile, independent woman Jane Russell swanks around a cruise-ship in really wonderful earrings, and at one point try to hump the entire US Olympic swim team. Sexy hijinks ensue.
  5. Judith's rant in Monty Python's Life of Brian. There's something hysterical about a completely naked Welsh woman being terribly earnest about religious intolerance, while Terry Jones, in drag, tries very hard not to stare at her 1970s bush. A bush so retro it was described by my friend Jon as "looking like someone had hurled a bag of soot between her legs". (That's not misogynistic, because he's gay. Actually that might make it more misogynistic. Oh, it's a ruddy minefield.) Anyway, it's still a shockingly funny performance by Sue Jones-Davies (Now, brilliantly, the former Mayor of Aberystwyth)

Not to mention Blanche Devereux, Samanatha Jones, Peg Bundy, Carla Tortelli, Roz Doyle, Marlo Manners, Elaine 'spongeworthy' Benes, and a ton more fictional but totally real female characters who were funny because they like sex, not funny despite being sex-likers, and not, crucially, sexy instead of being funny. And don't get me started on Miss Piggy, or Flossie the Sheep from Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Too Afraid to Ask, or the Cadbury's Caramel Bunny - females who, while not technically human, knew how to drive human men to fist-biting levels of frustration, while still being hilarious. Comedy goddesses all.

So in conclusion, OF COURSE sexy can be funny and funny can be sexy and you can be sexy despite being funny or because of it, or be plain funny without being overtly sexual, or the funny and sexy can sort of compliment each other like ham and pineapple or Gary Barlow and Robbie Williams, and women can do whatever they like, really, in whatever way works best for them, using whatever weapons they have in their comedic arsenal. Obviously. Goes without saying. Certainly we don't need dumb articles on the internet telling us it's okay. Except this dumb article, obv.

*Woah, did she really just throw a Slavoj Zizek impression into this article? Believe.