Job Advertisement: Parent

25/09/2015 18:16 BST | Updated 25/09/2016 10:12 BST

We are seeking a Parent to join our team of UK Parents.

About The Role

Hours: 168 hours per week

Location: Home-based, though access to a car or public transport is desirable as visits to the park and/or soft play hell labyrinths may be required.

Key duties/responsibilities:

- Imaginative use of baby wipes.

- Accepting graciously that you are never ever playing Lego right. You are doing it wrong.

- Negotiating with a small person who is protest planking amongst the home accessories in Debenhams.

- Clearing up poo, snot and vomit.

- Mind reading (you will need to know why the baby is crying and during the toddler years you will need to understand that just because he said he wanted cheese sandwiches it doesn't mean he wanted cheese sandwiches though when you take the cheese sandwiches away he will cry hysterically about the loss of the cheese fucking sandwiches).

- Mediating arguments over who gets the best beaker.

- Overseeing the Witching Hour/s (usually 5pm-7pm, this often involves food being lobbed from highchairs and general arsiness about nothing at all).

About You

The ideal candidate will have a degree in Patience, an NVQ Level 3 in CBeebies and the dexterity of an octopus on speed. You should possess a strong desire to be accompanied everywhere (including the toilet) and a high level of irritation tolerance for programmes like Peppa Pig and Twatsy and Tim. You should not possess a strong desire to:

- Sleep

- Get shit-faced

- Laze around in your PJs

- Sit down with a cup of tea

- Browse Accessorize

- Sunbathe

(Unfortunately these activities are not compatible with the role).


Remuneration Package and Benefits

Salary: The square root of fuck all

[This role is very much an investment, non-financial rewards include a warm fuzzy feeling and pride so overwhelming your heart could burst].

*The small print

Due to the nature of this role we regret we cannot facilitate any annual leave and there will be no designated breaks throughout your 168 hour weekly shift, though in exceptional circumstances it might be possible to organise cover through our relief agency Grandparent Staffing (extra teeth-brushing will be required as a result). In line with our Up Shit Creek Without a Paddle policy no training will be provided. This is a permanent position and you cannot ever resign.