30/11/2011 06:12 GMT | Updated 29/01/2012 05:12 GMT

What We've Got To Change Before The Olympics Games

You know that the Olympics are around the corner when you've seen your 4657475th Cadburys and Lloyds TSB advert.

You know that the Olympics are around the corner when you've seen your 4657475th Cadburys and Lloyds TSB advert.

Right now though, London needs to get its act together. We've got the biggest celebration happening on our doorsteps in literally months and we're acting like cynical bastards.

You can't blame us really. Right now all we've got to show for ourselves is an army of athletes younger than us that we are jealous of because they have the ability to bounce off bullets off their abs, an Olympic park that is ready in-time and on-budget yet lacking a little bit of soul and an economy that possibly is right now, has been, or will be...f*cked.

Here are some things we've got to change. Right now. So that Sydney can wipe their well-tanned smile off its Australian face, and so we can nick the title of throwing the greatest (non-communist) Olympic games ever.

1. People who mope on about how the Olympics cost so much

You know what costs a lot of money? The Olympics. You know what also costs a lot? Pensions. Food. War. University. Birthday Cards. Ready meals. Basingstoke. Gas bills. Going to a nightclub in the mood that you will get some action, but then you don't so you then eat alone at the greasy burger van around the corner at 2am STARING INTO NOTHINGNESS before walking home in a cynical circle of self-loathing and denial. Healthcare. The 'super-unleaded diesel' you never use at petrol station. Death.

You get the point.

Plus also, to all the moaners out there, you forget the fact that in 50 years with natural inflation £6.6 billion will be the cost of something at Poundland or some food that you would get with chips so YOUR GRANDCHILDREN WILL THINK THAT IT WAS A STEAL.

2. People who think that transport will be a nightmare

You know what is an actual nightmare? Having to read people in the national newspapers and hear people moan all the time that the Olympic transportation system is going to be a nightmare. If you've happened to have moaned in the last week about this, congratulations. You've officially complained about something that is 27 times further away than the length of the actual the event itself.

Its a bit like predicting "Oh woe is me I fear that on the day of my funeral the weather might be foggy. What if my foreign cousins aren't able to arrive in light aircraft?" Get over yourself.

3. Taxi drivers who are complaining about the possibility of congestion


4. People who complain that they didn't get tickets

Yes, it has gone to all of the corporate whores and people who are best mates of corporate whores, but who needs them? if you've not got tickets and you miss out, then hey you don't have to pretend to care if the event itself turns out to be utterly and completely dull.

At home you'll have the ability to flick over to Hollyoaks or The Fantasy Channel and no-one would be able to judge you. Relatives mind...

5. People who believe that visitors will find the London Underground pathetic...

You forget, if you are a common London visitor, that when you first visit the Underground as a tourist or a new arrival IT BLOWS YOUR ACTUAL MIND.

Tube doors that open like a meat slicer > Train doors with open buttons that open anyway > Funky lines out of the window that bounce up and down between stations like a pulled-out slinky > A Circle line that doesn't make any sense > Train announcements that tell you that everything is good or horrific but please remember to step away from the platform edge... It doesn't matter if you arrive to your event seven-and-a-half hours late you would be more appreciated by the fact that you got there in an obscure bendy bus that seemed to have been making it up as it went along.

6. People who complain that the Olympics logo looks like a cartoon character in a rather awkward...

You'll never get over it. I'm sorry about that.

7. Those who are worried about the legacy

Don't worry about that Mr (or Mrs) - this is a unisex column - the fruits of the Olympic legacy are already blooming. Stratford has got a shiny new stadium that may or may not ending up being a venue for a international telecommunications brand, trendy East Londoners are already waking in shock each day realising that John Lewis is closer to where they live than most of Middle England and we are already witnessing a new generation of people who are able to withstand all conditions and pull of incredible feats of stamina and agility...

Well either this is caused by the Olympics or this is just people who are able to withstand a queue overnight in order to get the new Skyrim game. Either way.

So.. tell me. What would you change?