If Men Perform More Good Deeds When There's a Chance to Procreate, How Come Women Wash the Dinner Dishes?

09/02/2012 13:19 GMT | Updated 09/04/2012 10:12 BST

File this research under "Useless Drivel Designed to Waste a Lot of Money While Coming to a 'No-duh' Finding."

Researchers led by Dr. Wendy Iredale of Sheffield Hallam University and Mark Van Vugt of the VU University in Amsterdam and the University of Oxford conducted some daring experiments to find a cure for cancer - er, no, I mean to find if men act differently around attractive women.

And no, by research I do not mean they hung out at their local bar and observed the scene. No, they spent money on doing lab-controlled experiments to see if men's behavior would be more generous if there were pretty ladies nearby.

Want to take a guess at what their research found? Women had no change in their generosity levels even when an attractive male was nearby, but men? Their wallets suddenly got bigger.

Here are some of the startling highlights:

1. "The research shows that good deeds among men increase when presented with an opportunity to copulate."

Hmm, then how do you explain most men's inability to wash dishes after dinner? Seems like if the results are accurate, I should never have to scrub a glass again.

2. "Theoretically, this suggests that a good deed is the human equivalent of the peacock's tail."

Umm, no. People act in completely selfless ways every day--even when there's absolutely no reason to primp and preen. Haven't you seen men hold doors open for elderly folks?

3. "Practically, this research shows how societies can encourage selfless acts."

It's that last bit that really gets me. So what we've learned from this research is that the ladies should doll themselves up more to encourage men to be better people?

I hope I'm not the only one who is horrified that this is what college researchers are wasting time and money on.

First of all, even when the hypothesis is proven, how does that aid society in any way at all?

Are we to believe that when we want to close a business deal or raise more money for a charity that we should only send in the pretty ones to do the job? Or that men conducting business meeting in strip clubs is an excusable and necessary component of succeeding in business?

If anything, this research will only help to damage society by giving fuel to some misogynists who think women need to make sure they look a certain way. The next thing you know, these research results could be waved around as reason why women should try harder to look more attractive.

The old - Can't you put on some lipstick to help out the team? Or - Why not wear a shorter skirt? We've got big clients coming in.

Was this research conducted to forward a hopefully-becoming-backwards practice of encouraging an accepted female beauty?

Next time, a much better experiment might be to see exactly how much bull a woman can take from university researchers.

Oh wait, that would just be another one for that same file cabinet.