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30/08/2011 20:05 BST | Updated 30/10/2011 05:12 GMT

Jedward's Trousers

Those Jedward trousers are just too ridiculous to keep quiet about any longer. Its not their bum-to-ankle skin-tightness I'm talking about - it's their absurdly unnatural silhouette - neither male nor female nor even truly human. Like an asexual teddy bear.

Those Jedward trousers are just too ridiculous to keep quiet about any longer. Its not their bum-to-ankle skin-tightness I'm talking about - it's their absurdly unnatural silhouette - neither male nor female nor even truly human. Like an asexual teddy bear.

Pretty face; bulgy crotch - that's always been the first rule of pop imagery. Start at Elvis and run forward. No one ever went against it. And in the same way that make-up and mascara were often patted onto a male face to pretty it up, suitable additions were often patted down into the crotch area to pretty that up too.

In rock, it was less so. Rock stars were supposed to turn up with their credentials already in place. Plain for all to see. Some of the finest belonged to David Lee Roth, Robert Plant, Axl Rose and Stephen Tyler. But with pop, the provocation was less precisely anatomical - more jokey - often false.

Jedward's idea of provocation is the strangest of all. Their trousers, instead of rising in the usual way to an upside down V at the crotch, are cut into a curved arch - a false crotch - some four inches below the real one. The normal teasing innuendo of the natural crotch is barricaded behind a featureless expanse of fabric that runs from thigh to thigh, and from the waist on downwards to the curve of the arch. Behind - in the empty space between real crotch and false - Jedward's personal belongings hang hidden from public appraisal.

Was it their idea? Their stylist's? Their manager's? Or was it simply that they asked Cliff Richard to recommend a tailor? Because their trousers closely follow the style Cliff used after he discovered religion in the 60s.

When Cliff found God he became celibate. Having promised to never use his naughty-bits again, he felt he should also expunge them from his public image. So using the arch method, he lowered the crotch of his trousers a couple of inches which allowed the naughty-bits to flop around invisibly in the resulting void.

Two inches was all it took. And in the fifty years since no one has ever spotted the slightest hint of anything masculine lurking in Cliff's trousers. And if two inches was enough for Cliff, why did Jedward need to drop the crotch of their trousers halfway to their knees?

My first thought was - perhaps they're hung like stallions. Or the reverse - maybe they've been neutered (which is why they behave like puppies) and are afraid it might show. However a quick search of the internet turned up pictures that disprove both theories. On fan blogs, old photos of Jedward in swimming trunks reveal a reasonable semblance of maleness beneath the fabric. The size is modest but at least the right bits hang in the right places.

Britain's last pair of twin popsters was Bros, in the 90s. Above the waist their pretty-face image was much the same as Jedward's. Below the waist it wasn't. Their trousers were as tight round the crotch as it was possible to make them. And to finish things off, woollen rugby socks were rolled up and shoved where there was already no room for more shoving.

Bros's audience was much the same age as Jedward's - 10-years-old upwards (and a bit downwards too). But even at that young age the kids in Bros's audience were noticeably interested in the bulges in their trousers and could often be seen aiming their cameras right at them. Not that the pictures revealed anything salacious. Bros's fake bulge was just as unrevealing as Jedward's void - all sock and no meat. But at least the Bros twins looked like normal sexy guys. While Jedward, through a trick of rogue tailoring, look castrated.

Traditional tailors must look at Jedward's trousers and wince in despair. Nowadays, most of us don't have our trousers hand-cut, but in the days when we did, the tailor, having measured every last curve of your buttocks, your thighs, your calves and even your ankles, would straighten himself, tape-measure over arm, and turn a questioning stare towards your crotch - 'Now tell me sir, on which side do we dress?'

Once told, he would ensure that a smidgen of extra material was added on the appropriate side - and from what I've seen of Jedward in their swimming trunks, a smidgen would suffice.

So why the curved arch and the void above it? Is this where they keep their hair spray?