24/10/2014 11:56 BST | Updated 23/12/2014 05:59 GMT

S Club 7 Reunion - Their Charity Record Will Go Nicely Next to Their Criminal Record for Crimes Against Music

So, S Club 7 are reforming. I've always thought that S Club 7 reforming was the answer. So long as the question is "What news are you least looking forward to hearing in the next couple of years?" It's for Children In Need, but I honestly can't think of any children who badly need an S Club reunion. Or anyone else for that matter. I imagine they'll probably want to release a charity record next, which will go very nicely next to their criminal record for crimes against music. Pudsey currently wears a bandage over his eye, but I suspect by this time next year he'll be wearing industrial earmuffs as well.

If they do decide to make that charity single, all of the proceeds would go directly to Children In Need, so it'll mean the group won't make any money whatsoever - fortunately that'll be no change from the last 10 years. I'm not particularly surprised by the reunion because talk of it has been in the pipeline for ages, and that's not the first time in my house the band has been likened to an unflushable stuck in a u-bend. Still, it will be rare to see those seven individuals together again. Normally to get them to appear in the same room you'd have to hire them for a children's birthday party. Or you just ask.

The group announced their return on Twitter, and said they were going to bring it all back. I wasn't quite sure what they meant by "it", so I put in a quick call to the guys at the Centre for Disease Control. I said they should probably stop them at Heathrow and give them all a deep chemical bath before they let them near anybody. And maybe not even then. But don't feel too sorry for them - they actually get a bath out of it, and most YMCAs don't have them these days. After all, since the band split, their success can be split into roughly two distinctive camps: Rachel Stevens, and all of the rest.

Fans of the group are really hoping the band are going to sing all the hits. But I'm not so sure - they'll probably just want to sing S Club 7 songs instead. I listened to their Greatest Hits album recently, and their music really spoke to me. It said, "You should NEVER admit to ANYONE that you own this record." Say what you like about them, that band had number after number after number. But once they split, they all had to give their telephones back. It's hard to believe they were once the most popular group in Britain. I never realised things were so bad.

S Club's brand of pop music has been described as "bubblegum", mainly because after a while you'll appreciate it's utterly tasteless and you'll want to spit it out immediately. Although the same could also be said for anything Jo O'Meara says! Until this reunion occurred, Jo, Bradley and Paul had been performing under the name S Club 3. That name change is just basic maths. If you take away four from seven, it equals only getting booked at minor universities. They should have just called themselves S Club Free. Or S Club Will Do Anything For A Hot Meal.

The original band had four number ones. Although whenever I look at the group, I just think of seven number twos. In their most famous song, they screamed, "There ain't no party like an S Club party." That frightening statement ranks up there with your mum telling you that you're adopted, or seeing the words "Welcome to Aberdeen." I think it would be fairly easy to better an S Club party - simply by not inviting S Club 7 for a start. An S Club party apparently features Paul getting down on the floor, which incidentally is also where he's been sleeping for the past seven years.

I always used to like their song Never Had A Dream Come True. Sadly, I've come to appreciate it even more after discovering the band has now reformed...

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