The top five things couples argue about are money, sex, work, children and housework. And in today's economy, it's usually in that order. In fact, the latest stats show as many as 1 in 5 of us are fighting more with our other halves over cash than ever before. If this is your reality, and money wars are threatening to bankrupt your relationship, keep reading. Although we can't control what's happening in the FTSE100 there is a way, whatever your financial situation, that you can manage (and regulate) your stocks and shares in love.
The first step in neutralising arguments about your finances is to recognise that money is loaded with different meanings for different people. When I see couples for therapy it's useful to see what money meant to them as they were growing up. Did they see their parents argue about it? Did they feel on the outside of their peer group at school by either having too much or not enough cash? Ask yourself these questions. Without a doubt, your attitudes to money will be strongly influenced by your parent's relationship with it. The answer(s) will translate into the meanings you give money today. The most common are power, security, fear, freedom and guilt. With such highly emotive feelings it's understandable when we talk money, eruptions can follow. Often with couples, when they realise how the past is playing in their present, it frees each of them up to focus on the here and now. Money may still be important to them but it no longer disables them.
The other issue at play is the gender difference surrounding attitudes to money. For a man, if he's feeling insecure in his career (for example, because of an enforced redundancy meaning he is no longer the main breadwinner) he'll be low on confidence. Work, especially for men, is an area strongly linked with his sense of masculinity. And of course, anything that makes him uncertain about his role in the world, or feel like a failure will play out in your relationship. Perhaps he's more irritable, argumentative, angry, or depressed. Add to this the shocking fact that, worryingly, it's thought half of women feel financially insecure. And when we're insecure, the first thing many of us do is look for reassurance. If your partner is feeling as worried as you are, it sets the perfect recipe for an argument. He'll be defensive, and feel guilty he can't solve your money problems. So, how do you change both of your mind-frames from fearful to positive? Start by introducing the following tips and you will both feel richer within weeks.
The best ever tips on How to Avoid Bankrupting Your Relationship
The truth might not hurt as much as you think
When there is money trouble, most of us would agree that it is all too tempting to sweep the issue under the designer sheepskin rug. Sure, in the short term, denial may feel like the safer option; but in my experience of working through this issue with couples, sooner, rather than later, the worry will get the better of you. Before you get to the point where you lose control of your anxiety and explode at the innocent check out girl, face up to what you're dealing with. Do your sums, not on what you earn, but according to your take home pay. And spend a week tracking what you've been spending your cash on. You might be surprised at how easily you will opt for a cup of instant coffee before you leave the house, after you see the cost of a week's worth of grande skinny latte's.
Do the maths
A survey recently said 51% of people want to talk about money with their partner but don't know how. And so they don't. The pain of facing up to the facts will be halved if you do the maths homework as a couple. Number crunching can leave most of us cold. So it's important to give yourselves some kind of reward afterwards. When you sit down together look at what can stay and what can go in your monthly figures. Don't be a martyr about it though. Be realistic. If your hair cut is half of the month's food bill, look at what alternatives you'd be willing to consider. Don't agree to anything you know you won't carry out because money infidelity will seriously affect the health of your relationship. Once you've agreed on a budget, stick to it. Be fluid: Review your choices every month. If you need to, renegotiate. Then start again.
Smile as you tighten your belt
Tackling cash flow problems together can give a relationship a renewed sense of "we-ness". It's exactly the same feeling couples shared when they first met. You know the one: That overwhelming feeling you can tackle anything together. Back then, maybe it was a fantasy. Now, you can make it a reality. It may be a cliché, but it's true. Managing to support each other through the really tough times strengthens and solidifies your relationship. It becomes recession proof. And these days, there are not many things we can say that about.
Be creative
As your cash flow means fancy restaurants are off the menu, it's time to rely more on your imagination for romance. The list is limitless. To get you started, be creative in your home. Run a hot bubble bath, add some candles, a glass of wine, and you've just turned your bathroom into your own private spa. You can also make your bedroom a sanctuary, by clearing it of any clutter. Then set the scene and create the feeling of a romantic weekend away just add some clean sheets, mood music and subtle lighting.
Be gender sensitive
If you're the main breadwinner and you go out together and he offers to pay, let him. Put cash somewhere you can both access it, which avoids him having to ask you for it every time. And never use your higher salary as a power tool. Remember by keeping his ego intact, you'll both get an emotional, financial and sexual pay-off.