27/02/2017 10:16 GMT | Updated 23/02/2018 05:12 GMT

B Is For Ben (An A-Z Index Of Bad Dates, Exes And Aubergine Emojis)

I am still scrolling through my phonebook, looking at my past "conquests" (this is a questionable world - none of them were Jamie Dornan) and have had the bleak realisation that I have kissed a lot of frogs but am no closer to finding my prince. Maybe - I am looking in all the wrong places, maybe I should be looking for a Diane instead of David. I've always had a special place in my heart for Sarah Michelle Gellar but I just thought that was because she's a hero.

And, just for an update, so you don't think I am sat alone stalking my exes on Facebook (I am) or questioning why they are taking their new partners to Mexico when they never took me to Wahaca. I am far too mature (lies) to even care (lies) about such things (you're going to hell, Bailey).

However, I've met someone and we are going on a real-life date to the place they say dreams come true.... Nandos! He's never been and I love a chicken pitta. Let's accept this as romance and move on. Anyway, his name's Adam. I have to bring him up here as we have passed "A" now.

We met at one of my gigs. In real life. I had started to think this was an urban legend but some people actually still speak, they exchange numbers and they respond as soon as the little blue ticks have appeared. Ain't romance grand. If he reads this, when we are yet to have our Peri Peri chicken will he think I'm bonkers? He's very handsome, so far seems to be a gent and he's 45. Wait, am I being groomed? All of this is super exciting!

Anyway, this week I scrolled to "B" for Ben.

Ben is that age old story of when your straight friend goes "Oh my god, I know a guy and he'd be perfect for you". Translation. I know you're gay and my friend Ben is gay, why don't you be gay together?

If it worked that way, I would actually be so happy. It would mean, I'd already be living my dream of living in the Cotswolds with two beagles and Sundays would be for roasts (both sexually and with beef).

The problem with Ben was. And this is the first time, I am admitting it - and saying it - and realised why I may in fact never find the one. He was wittier than me. And we were 24 and I couldn't handle it. I am no Zac Efron so my attractive quality was my charms (and that's not code for balls), it was my unfiltered, acerbic (should you ever say this about yourself) wit! And, his was ten fold.

The positive - where this story does not have me riding into the sunset alone is that now that we are very old, we get on so well. So maybe it is good to introduce your gays because contrary to popular belief, we don't all just fuck each other, sometimes we make life long friends.

Ben if you are reading this. I'm the best you never had.