11/05/2017 08:38 BST | Updated 11/05/2017 08:38 BST


I saw a video from First Dates on Twitter that said "a good date means being comfortable enough to be yourself" and as I'm sat here with a Dominos for four for one, happy and bitter in equal measure, it got me to thinking about relationships.

In 2017, can I find a good date, where I feel completely comfortable to be myself?

Dating and relationships for me are tricky. I'm an old romantic. I meet the guy, look in his eyes, check he has a soul, and then build a love story around him. It usually involves me saving him from a vampire - and then I realise I need to rein it in.

I've dated A LOT this year. A LOT. I find it a great way to write new material for my new show but I also find it very depressing because I am looking for a husband. My friends and I were chatting recently and the main thing I want from a "better half" using the lessons of relationship carnage behind me is kindness and friendship.

I want all my girls rolled up in to one man.

I've done the whole, I really fancy someone, get caught up in the passion, have the pum pum and realise six month later that we have nothing in common, we have nothing to say to each other, I vanquish him and then repeat the process.

For a while, I stopped believing in The One, The Soulmate, the Tom Daley to my Dustin Lance Black. I've decided to go back to that. I choose love again. The love Carrie talks about "ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other love" - although I do want to be able to live without them and I'd like them to respond to my What's Apps within the hour.

We're a society that loves a Kardashian. We love a six pack, tan, beard. I'm not in to those shallow things - I want to know how much someone earns. LOLZ. This is a joke.

This means taking the time to get to know someone, spending time together and building a different kind of passion. One that lasts a long time because it comes from really knowing someone. Don't get me wrong, I'm not quite Alexandra Forrest (Glenn Close's Fatal Attraction character) just yet, I don't go into every date or even every relationship thinking this is it. Time to shut shop.

The struggle I find is how do you get to the point of really getting to know someone?

I've been in the position where I really fancy them, and they don't physically fancy me. I had one guy say "believe it or not I have kissed a ginger before" - well that was big of him. I've had it where I don't fancy them but they fancy me. I've had it where they didn't fancy me but then they saw me do comedy and then they did fancy me or at least intrigued by me - comedy is good for dick. And finally, and this is a good one - we really fancy each other. Full Stop. Something happens but my instinct tells me you're not him.

Normally, when I think you're him. You don't think I'm him. Or you're straight.

Recently, I was hanging out with an acquaintance/friend/we know each other from around and he is physically handsome, he's funny in a he's-trying-to-be-funny-and-failing-but-that's-what's-funny-kind-of-way, he's kind, he seems interested in the world and I thought "this is someone I could be with and get bored with". The problem is my self esteem. Physically, he is a 9 and I'm a 1.5 (before getting my teeth fixed I would have totes gone at 0.5). I'm not pursuing it. I'm not even walking passed his house ten times so that we can accidentally-on-purpose bump into each other, go for more coffees and then he'll fall in love with my charm.

I'm not sure if it will be like the movies - cinematic and dramatic with a happy ending but I do feel like I've come too far to just hump anyone that offers.

Like I said, I met someone recently and we clicked but he is super attractive and I look like a cabbage patch doll, so he would need to show up and be like "Stephen, you're so funny, I think we could make this work. I'd love to share baths with you whilst watching The Vampire Diaries on the laptop that's balanced on the toilet" and then I'd feel confident. I've pursued the hot ones before. They end up falling for my charms and then they go mad. Or they were always mad.

But I have decided the most attractive thing I can be now is confident and optimistic. That's what I want someone to see when they look at me. Oh and a fucking shit hot dancer.