04/09/2014 08:15 BST | Updated 03/11/2014 05:59 GMT

How to Handle a Nigerian E-mail Scammer

We've all had them, we've all read them, and some have actually been stupid enough to reply to them.

I am of course talking about the famous, "Dear sir, I am the son of an African diplomat...blah, blah, blah, E-mail.

Many people trash these E-mail scam emails and I admit, I did so for such a long time before I finally caved in.

No, I didn't hand over my Toytown bank account details and personal information. I started to reply to them and the more I replied the less scam E-mails I received.

I built up a collection of my reply E-mails, that were recently published in a book, and without further ado, I would like to share one of those reply E-mails.


How to Handle a Nigerian E-mail Scammer

Dear Mr Mwongo,

I have to thank you, for taking the time to email me, and I am very sad to read about the loss of your father.

Before giving you my bank details I want to get to know you better.

Do you remember the film Scarface?

Well, Tony Montana (played by Al Pacino) arrives at this gun-toting house to pay for and collect his cocaine. Unknown to Tony Montana, the so-called seller of the drugs was setting our Al up.

Anyway, I think the bandit's name was Hector and he said to Montana after delaying the supposed deal: "I just want to know who I do business with."

The scene is just before the famous bathroom chainsaw incident where Tony Montana's trusted sidekick has the insides of his rib cage polished up by some very sharp vibrating angry petrol-motored blades.

The point I am trying to make here, Mr Mwongo, is this: like Montana's encounter with the drug dealer, I too want to get to know who I do business with.

Therefore, I would appreciate if you would take the time to write back to me and answer me the following questions:

- What is your favourite cartoon character and why?

- Do you prefer soda or tan tights?

- What frightens you most about being tied up and attacked by a chainsaw?

- Do you wet the bed?

- When one of your relatives hands you a new-born baby and you lovingly squeeze its little legs and you think the baby is so fecking cute; do you ever get the urge to sink your teeth into its wee cuddly fat arms?

- Do you have any preference to naked Latino women or northern European sluts?

- Tony Montana liked ice-cream. Do you like ice-cream? If so, what flavour do you like best? I like vanilla but I am not too fussy. As long as it's cold.

- If someone annoys you on Facebook do you ever get the urge to unfriend them or would you rather punch them in the throat?

- When you go phishing does your wife make you up sandwiches and what do you prefer in your flask?

I hope you don't mind but like Hector said, I like to know who I do business with.


Your friend, miles away from Nigeria

Read more of Stephen's work in the Dafty News >>>