21/07/2014 08:47 BST | Updated 18/09/2014 06:59 BST

Top 10 Reasons Why You Should Be Slaughtered by a Comedian

Comedians live from material and the material, in most parts, comes from people, people-watching and people's behaviour.

Basically, what I'm saying is: idiot- f***wet-blowhard-c**t--observation.

Let's face it; we've all hammered that 'douche bag', the 'asshole' and the absolute waster in society.

Why? Because they deserve it. No, they are not easy prey. The vulnerable are easy prey but I feel it's wrong to attack anyone who doesn't deserve it.

A blind kid with disabilities does not deserve to be slaughtered by a comedian but an adult with 20/20 vision who owes you twenty bucks and drunkenly compliments your wife's tits deserves and needs to have his dignity stripped down to his ankles then whacked by some very heavy lesson biker mechanic chains.

There are many others who need to feel the end of a comedian's vocal chord.

I've chosen my Top Ten List of People Who Ought to be Slaughtered by a Comedian.



10: People who spend thousands to go under the knife for plastic surgery to look like their favourite celebrity. Those people need to take a trip back under the knife again - without the aid of anaesthetic. You are not a prospective doppelganger of a mediocre celeb who's famous for being famous; you are just part of an ugly gene bloodline and in clear denial.

9: Parents who use personal shopping advisors for their toddler's wardrobe. Here's some personal advice: grab a big bag, go to a relative or friend whose kid has outgrown their clothes and grab the chance before they find their way on Gumtree. Trust me, your toddler won't know the difference between Burberry and dried Farley's Rusks vomit.

8: Elvis impersonators. I know I might be stating the obvious and you might be wondering why I have chosen Elvis impersonators. I just think they need to be brought down a few notches. Elvis died in 1977, let it go. If anyone does an impersonation of Justin Bieber in thirty-seven years from now they will be deported to a country they have difficulty pronouncing and do eight years' hard labour in the sun with a black nylon wig and a polyurethane sequenced suit.

7: Anyone who takes a giant foam finger to a sports event. Anyone who actually looks in the direction of a giant foam finger, and anyone who sells giant foam fingers. Those giant foam fingers should be frozen, coated with a dangerous metallic toxic paint and shoved right up the asses of those who even allow them into a sports event. If that can't be possible can we arrange to have the fingers made from a sharp element and increase eye-poking capabilities?

6: Those who go to 24-hour gyms. I can look the other way if it's open for professional athletes working time zones or insomniac bodybuilders who have difficulty in sleeping due to all the pills they pop; but I am not buying Darren, the supermarket shelf stocker, dating Debbie, the cashier girl who works in the same late night supermarket, going on a treadmill at 2am so they can tone up their calves for Magaluf.

5: People who post images of their betting slips on their social network sites. Look, pal, if you won a few million I don't mind, but announcing to the world that you are "60-quid up," qualifies you, and all the other betting slip winning posters, to be absolutely destroyed and publicly humiliated on stage. Then taken outside to be publicly flogged. Then brought back inside to have a second course of crowd-pleasing humiliation.

4. Newsreaders and weather reporters. Listen, mate, it's not 'surface water' we have to watch out for. It's puddles! When you were a kid did you ever get excited at the prospects of putting on your red Wellington boots to go outside to splash on the surface water? A puddle is a small collection of liquid - usually formed from rainfall...and it just sounds better...use it!

3. TV sports pundits (especially soccer). Look, I've just seen the incident inside the box for myself through the magic of slow motion. I can form my own views and assessment according to my binocular vision and with the aid of stop, pause and f***ing play button. Why do you need to have a ski resort salary to tell me something I've just seen...for about the eighth time? I am hardly going to change my mind just because you say so.

2. Celebrities who take part in Twitter feuds. Can we go back to gladiator basics? Puleeeease? I don't know the extent as to how much you hate each other until there is a proper gauge to go by. A few words scattered around in under 140 characters that are dramatically hashed together with typos doesn't show us much. Get on stage and the most popular of the two can have a chainsaw and the least popular can be armed with a pen knife. Let the feud begin.

1. Straight in at number 1 are those guys who name their sons after them. What a show of arrogance that is. At least have the decency to die first or wait a generation then have the little guy have your name as his middle name.

Hovering outside the Top Ten are as follows: lawyers, accountants, car salespeople who wear a three-piece suit, shirt and tie and an anorak over; fat builders, fat builders who don't turn up on time and fat builders who turn up on time, do shoddy work then f***k off having charged and extortionate fee; anyone who is a member of a Star Trek forum, anyone who likes Star Trek, anyone who knows anything about Star Trek and those who leave their toe-nail clippings on the top of a chest of drawers - how did they get there?

Read more of Stephen's work in the Dafty News >>>