22/07/2013 13:27 BST | Updated 21/09/2013 06:12 BST

Welcome Royal Baby (Whoever You Are): An Open Letter to the Unborn Prince or Princess


Kate Middleton seems to be taking her sweet time giving birth to her firstborn child. So, we have decided not to wait to offer the unborn, unnamed child of royal personage a few kind words of welcome and advice. Really, it's the right thing to do.

Dear Royal Baby,

What's taking you so long? Everyone's been waiting. Tabloid offices from along the Thames to Kandahar are abuzz with speculation. Are you a boy or a girl? C'mon, journalists have literally had nothing to write about since Oasis' Noel Gallagher took a dump in his estate house pool in Guernsey.

So, welcome to Mother England: It's all yours ... Well, not really. We're sorry, at one time it would have been all yours. The British Empire once covered two thirds of the globe and at least 100 years ago you'd have had your power over everything of woman-born. But, alas nobody talks like that anymore and the only remnant of your family's once-vast empire is a crowd of ganja-addled Rastas huddled around a flat-screen in Kingston, Jamaica watching Sri Lanka play Zimbabwe in the international cricket finals at Columbo.

If you happen to be a boy, you're 36th in line for the throne, so you might just have to settle for being rich -- filthy rich -- which isn't that big a drag, is it? You've hit the jackpot, Boyo ... .or whatever.

Anyway, here's your first of many emails and some tips to enjoying life at the fullest.

First off, no matter what you hear on the "telly," the world still is a magnificent place -- just laying some blind optimism on ya (it's still a bit f@#$*d up).

And, technology-wise, you couldn't have picked a better time to come into this glorious world. It won't be long before a universe of unlimited films, art, and music will be at your fingertips. By that we mean an iPad. Consider the entire output of some of your country's greatest bands ever. Take the Small Faces' Ogden's Nut Gone Flake and wait until you hear Nick Drake'sBryter Layer Those are just two, and I haven't even mentioned Dusty Springfield's Dusty in Memphis, "Rattlesnake Shake" by Fleetwood Mac (the early lineup with Peter Green), and The Specials' "Too Much Too Young."

As far as movies go -- once you've gotten beyond unrealistic movies like Toy Story and Finding Nemo, you'll have to check outThe Wizard of Oz and Woody Allen's Annie Hall.The good thing about your future royal standing and celebrity is that you'll get to meet, virtually anyone you want, including the entire cast of Pacific Rim.

In the meantime, enjoy settling in to your new "digs" at one of your family's many palaces. Eat, smile and repeat "mummy" for as long as you can and remember this, you don't pick your family, but you can pick out anything else you want. Don't worry, your family can afford it.

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