05/01/2016 04:19 GMT | Updated 04/01/2017 05:12 GMT

Unintentionally Catching Feelings

Ugh, I'm debating writing about this or not. I'm against it because it's weird to write about but I'm for it because some experiences I have is usually to influence my work and sometimes it's best for me to creatively express it. I'm an artist, that's what we do - we channel our feelings into our work.

So, I'm at the age where people seem to be casual with life. For example, lots of people are into casual relationships and flings. Which I completely get and recently I was all for it because honestly, I didn't care that much. I mean, I used to but when you're at the age where no one is that serious, you start to not really think that seriously anymore (and y'know probably because I've heard enough f*ckboy experiences to put me off)

When the time came with someone I met at my best friend, Becky's birthday party that vibed with, I was all for it. We got on well, he was sweet, bants was there, vibes were flowing. Like, I said I was feeling it. Then, I got quite intoxicated (blame the free Ciroc), and usually when this happens I feel like mother-effing Beyoncé and all cares go out the window (within reason of course). I was still feeling it, like I was into him. I knew I was. But this time, I have no idea what came over me but something inside kept telling me that I was going to regret it and couldn't stop thinking about someone else. Becky asks me what's up and I tell her, then she declares "Oh, you like him!" then suddenly I realised that I'd contracted feelings for this someone else. Inside, I'm all "this isn't happening. Oh no. How did this happen?!"

So, I try to keep ignoring it. The more he flirts, the more I'm trying to politely decline but not decline because I'm like "Yeah, I actually like this guy and he likes me" and then I get his friends saying "oh, I think he likes you", he's blatantly declining this girl who's all over him, Becky's on c*ckblock patrol (secretly, she's thriving off it because she's irritating this girl) and I'm smiling out the outside but feeling annoyed on the inside because I know I legit can't do anything with the dude in front of me because I keep thinking about someone else and I feel like I'm in some melodrama. I'm having some weird internal conflict "No Tash, you like this one. In. Front. Of. You. But, you keep thinking about someone else. No! You're being weird, you two are just friends. Snap out of it! Why do you care?! I know, but if I do anything with this guy I know I'll regret it." In the end, Becky had to step in and say the deadly words "she's into someone else" I mean, I won't lie I was in denial but that only certified what I was trying to avoid.

Eh, who knows why that happened (I'm pretty sure it was God, because I knew that this wasn't on my own accord) but if I learnt anything, maybe it's that I just connect with deeper stuff than just "oh they're nice and cute" whether I like to admit it or not. Maybe I'm one of those weird individuals who are attracted to someone's soul and substance and how that vibes all together in their entity (wow, just got deep there)

I'm still trying to figure it out. I mean, I did learn "Yo Tash, if you have feelings for someone stop drinking before you end up all up in your feelings and start drunk texting and you end up pulling a Marvin's Room" (that counts right?) I'm not going to lie and say I'm enjoying this experience because I'm not. It's just really annoying. And it's weird.

I've never unintentionally caught feelings before, especially with friends. Usually I'm the one who runs with it. 17 year old me was a pioneer at this; stalking their Facebook profile (to the point where they knew their family members' names), reblogging all the romantic stuff on Tumblr, listening to crappy love songs, romanticising the heck out of the person. That isn't 20 year old me. I'm a baller who doesn't do feelings. This time I prepped myself for a whole week to not dare catch feelings by avoiding all of it. Somehow that didn't work this time. Like, it got to the point I couldn't lie because the cognitive dissonance was that bad (usually if God wants me to do something, he would put something on my mind that creates cognitive dissonance that it drives me up the wall to end up doing it), so I cracked lol.

On a good note, my friends were pretty astonished with how well I was dealing with it. So am I. One side of me is like "I'm normal, I'm totally rational, I'm fine lol" then the weird, teenage, emotional, feelings side that likes to creep up is like "this sucks, why me?" and wants to cry and eat chocolate. It's so bizarre; one part of me is like "I will happily insult you to your face and don't care if I don't have make up on" then the other side is like "ew, why do my hands keep sweating and why do I get this weird feeling in my stomach whenever your name is brought up?" I've realised I'm one of these people who deep down who will be super gushy and cute (best seen when I'm drunk) about someone I like behind their back to being pretty blunt and brash to your face. It's a weird dichotomy.

In conclusion, feelings are weird. I would like to give you some magical explanation but hey, I'm just expressing how I'm feeling here. But honestly, it makes me feel for those who end up being attracted to those who are married or someone they shouldn't be with because that must be torture.