17/03/2014 13:16 GMT | Updated 17/05/2014 06:59 BST

Five Things I Have Pretended to Like Just to Get Sex


I remember a very miserable afternoon - a rainy Saturday - spent in a pub that smelled of cauliflower and dog, staring with great concentration at a TV up on the wall. I didn't really dare look away in case I looked like I was bored and I couldn't have given two bronze fucks about what was happening on the screen so I fixed my gaze on a spider at the corner of the TV. The spider span a web and then fell onto a table and crawled into a crisp packet. Spider, one. Man eating crisps, zero.


Luckily, he didn't take me to the opera, just played me most of one on his speakers that were bigger than Kensington and made the floor throb. I think it was quite famous - I recognised a bit in the middle from an advert. He told me what it was but I was too busy feverishly wondering when I was going to get to play a concerto of my very own all over his alabaster rack. It turned out to be a very staccato experience. And then it was over.

Radio comedies

When asked whether you've heard of something, you should be honest lest you embarrass yourself and get a fact wrong. When my date asked me if I had heard of a particular comedy on Radio 4, I lied through my shiny white teeth and said "Why, yeeeess, it's brilliant". He used to play it to me before and after sex - never during, because "that would be weird" apparently - and when we got to the end of the first series I decided I would not be recommissioning him for another go.

A terrible food blog

Never have I pretended to like Instagrammed croissants and love hearts drawn in lattes so fiercely in my entire life. Endless pictures of mashed potato and vegetable stacks. A steaming pie. Haricots. I lost count how many times I faked a "nom nom nom". And the rest.


Aaron had very, very pert nipples and I was absolutely dying to see what they were like in the 'flesh', so I ignored his boring politics chat, the way he looked at every waiter's arse as they walked by our table and his penchant for telling me how tired I looked and, when it came down to it, bit those tiny pink beauties very, very hard.

What have you faked so you could get more bang for your buck? Tell me on Twitter.