1. You spend an entire Bank Holiday weekend sober
2. A Big Night is watching a film in one sitting
3. You know all of the lyrics to the Tweenies, but none of the songs in the Top 40
4. You grumble about potholes and selfish parking
5. You plan your weekend around a Homebase 15% off special
6. On a rare night out, you volunteer to drive as 'It's easier' and you are more thrilled at the thought of no hangover than you are at the chance to have a drink
7. If you do drink, you are tipsy after half a glass of wine and hungover after a full one
8. The grocery delivery is a highlight of your week
9. On a bright breezy day, you excitedly proclaim it is a 'Good day for drying washing'
10. You stock a variety of two or more cheeses in your fridge
11. You consult the BBC Weather app before planning your day
12. You literally no longer understand the word spontaneity
13. Levels of tiredness are a major talking point between you and your partner
14. Living dangerously is watching two episodes of Breaking Bad in one evening
15. You say things like 'There is nothing nicer than clean sheets and a freshly made bed'
16. You talk about the garden and its care as if it were an actual person, rather than just sitting in it and drinking beer
17. You bemoan to friends the unsatisfactory dishwasher tablets you purchased recently, without any sense of how middle class and boring you sound
18. You receive homeware as a birthday gift, and are pleased
19. You would rather browse Dunelm than Warehouse
20. You meal plan
21. You get your car serviced
22. You consider getting your driveway resurfaced
23. You are friendly with all of your neighbours, and give them no cause to grumble about late night music
24. If another neighbour happens to have a party, it is a hot talking point in your house all night. 'Don't they know you have children? Don't they have to be up early? Aren't they aware you have lost all sense of fun?'
25. You spend part of your weekend washing your car or mowing the lawn, and don't even complain about it
26. If you eat out, you never order dessert because 'Too much rich food sets off the indigestion'
27. When people ask what you have been up to your mind goes completely blank and you wonder if 'Watching TV and eating meals' is an acceptable answer
28. There is no win quite like coveting a Parent & Child parking space at the supermarket
29. Almost every night is an early night
30. Clothes shopping is strictly a practical necessity
31. A new microwave is exciting
32. You use more than one programme on your washing machine
33. You own a tumble dryer
34. You join a book club
35. You don't know any of the Radio 1 presenters, and when you flick to the station accidentally, you find yourself describing it as 'A right racket'
36. You label your wheelie bins and hire a window cleaner
37. You have a wall calendar and keep it up to date
38. In an effort to regain your youth you scroll through the local gig guide... and recognise none of the
39. The only parties you are invited to are children's birthdays or christenings
40. Having chance to clean the kitchen floor is genuinely satisfying
41. Pottering about is your idea of a perfect afternoon
42. Even if your kids sleep through the night, you can never go eight hours without a loo break
43. You are only out after 6 PM about three times a year, or when you run out of nappies
44. 'Can anyone recommend a good plumber?' is the kind of thing you post as your Facebook status, and the most exciting place you 'Check In' is Costa
45. You share slow cooker recipes with your friends
46. You batch cook
47. The thought of a spa day is far preferable to a night on the town
48. 8 AM is considered a lie in
49. You read the back of food jars before buying so that you can keep check on your salt and sugar intake
50. An Aldi opening nearby is hotly anticipated and cause for much celebrating. That is your next night out sorted; you mark it on your wall calendar.
And perhaps the most telling sign of all... is that you really do not care about being a bit grown-up and sensible. Only boring people are bored, and if you get a kick from seeing your garden bulbs blossom, or starting a new box set then so be it. You are raising a family and get more excitement, thrills and laughter than you would from any nightclub (are they still called nightclubs?). You've done your time with debauchery, dancing and disgusting hangovers and now you are leaving youth to the young. Until that time you get a bit carried away with the Aldi vino and actually do give the neighbours something to complain about...