No, it's not a spoof, and no, one of them isn't called Mrs Palmer.
Anthony Santella, a public health scientist and his colleague Spring Chenoa Cooper, a senior lecturer wrote an opinion piece in the academic website The Conversation, commenting on the "ridiculous" myths around masturbation.
One of course includes the famous one about it making you go blind (if that were the case, 94% of men and 84% of women would be carrying white sticks).
The authors say that it can help prevent cystitis through the process of tenting - where the cervix opens due to arousal. "Tenting stretches the cervix, and thus the cervical mucous. This enables fluid circulation, allowing cervical fluids full of bacteria to be flushed out."
What does the one-hand shuffle have to do with diabetes, you ask? This one is slightly more tenuous - but masturbating releases the same hormones that induces drowsiness. The authors say: "Masturbation can lower risk of type-2 diabetes (though this association may also be explained by greater overall health), reduce insomnia through hormonal and tension release."
In the same way that masturbating helps to 'flush' the cervix, masturbating can apparently help lower the risk of prostate cancer. It gives the "prostate a chance to flush out potential cancer-causing agents."
"Masturbation also improves immune functioning by increasing cortisol levels, which can regulate immune functioning in small doses. It also reduces depression by increasing the amount of endorphins in the bloodstream."
(H/T: The Conversation)